In case you ever find yourself pondering the existence of Justin Bieber (and, really, who among us hasn't at one time or another?) know this: like all the safe, cherubic crooners of his ilk who came before, he exists largely to sell the shit out of some shit with his face on it. Little girls love him -- and tired parents are happy to buy obsessed offspring a $5 Bieber trinket if it means getting out of Walmart with a minimum of whining.
But along with the pillows, t-shirts and pins, there's some truly questionable Bieber schwag out there. Here's some of the weirdest.
1. The Hand-Painted Bieber Shoe
In case you ever wondered what Bieber would look like older, way pissed off, and trapped in a shoe
-- wonder no more.2. Personalized Portrait of You and Bieber Riding a Unicorn Together
This requires no further commentary
3. The Mrs. Justin Bieber Thong Panty
Any girl young enough to be into Bieber shouldn't be wearing thongs, and any woman old enough to wear a thong -- well, let's put it this way: We're already worried about what our friends will think (and whether they'll alert the authorities) if/when they see "Justin Beiber thong"
in our search history.4. The Justin Bieber Shower Curtain
Getting naked with a stoic looking Bieber
is the new coffee.5. A Greeting Card Depicting a Bieber-Dog Playing a Bone Guitar
We're reasonably sure this is animal abuse
.6. The Bieber Wig
Ok, it's not even a Bieber wig. It's a Bruno wig that's being passed off as Bieber wig
. And so begins the great Bieber/Sacha Baron Cohen Feud of Aught Ten.7. The Bieber Birthday Cake
Because sometimes, when you love a boy very much, you want to eat a piece of his face