Science reached yet another dizzying apex of understanding this week when a professor of food chemistry in Munich announced his groundbreaking findings: coffee is bitter because it's roasted. Uh, duh?
But wait, there's more. Using "humans trained to detect coffee bitterness," the researchers discovered that (gasp): the longer you roast the beans, the stronger the bitter taste.
Wait a minute! Burned shit tastes bitter? Call us ahead of the curve here, but the connection between burnt and bitter was made very clear the first time we torched a marshmallow. Apparently the researchers were under the impression that "Everybody thinks that caffeine is the main bitter compound in coffee." It's news to us.
We'll leave it to the scientists to tell you exactly what makes a cup of coffee bitter, but we can definitely tell you what makes a coffee drinker bitter: long lines, no chance of getting a seat, and a sea of hipsters with way cooler clothes, computers and tattoos than us.