I received this self-consciously shocking press release in my inbox. Jesus. Outside of NYU dormitory residents, Arctic Monkeys fans, and the other remaining punchable Vice readership, I don’t think the most jarring problem among the majority of Colt 45 aficionados consist of getting caught making whoopee or being chased by the neighbor’s puppy dogs.
Date: May 29, 2007 1:43 PM
Subject: xxxxxxxx invites you to "Colt 45 and VICE Looking For More Tales!!!"
Colt 45 and VICE Looking For More Tales!!!…
VICE and Colt 45 are looking for your favorite stories about nights out with Colt 45. Got chased by dogs at 3am? Lost your pants on a bet and had to walk home? Got stuck in a compromising situation? Take a minute and write to us. The best stories will be illustrated by underground comic book artists and released with upcoming issues of Vice Magazine in its own mini-mag form. The first issue comes out in June and if we might say so, it's pretty killer. Send all stories, yarns and anecdotes to email@example.com . Please send us your stories asap, as we are looking for ones for the July issue. Also, look for VICE and Colt coming to your cities this summer to have some late night adventures and throw down with your favorite djs.”
That isn’t to say that I don’t have my own tale of hops-related appropriation. I do: One time I passed out on the toilet while drinking malt liquor. OK, so it wasn’t actually a Colt 45 so much as it was a crisp, lemony Hefeweizen. And it was on the patio at the Zeitgeist, not on a dingy toilet bowl, where I caught nasty vapors. But seeing as how I loathe both beer and kicking it next to the row of porta-potties in Zeitgeist’s beer garden, the stories are practically one and the same. --Brock Keeling