But wait, what's this? A shiny blue box emblazoned in large black type: "Make Your Own DILDO!" Really!? Can you actually make a premium-grade silicone dildo from your very own penis? Where has this product been all our perverted lives?
We decide to do some homework, but how, exactly, does one research Make Your Own DILDO!? Pick up a copy of the Consumer Reports 2002 Sex Toys Issue? Interviews with Good Vibes patrons yield nothing. In fact, our fellow patrons seem to be giving us a wide berth. Things worsen once word gets out we're from a newspaper. Now folks are literally ducking and diving to avoid our queries. Jeez, you'd think our mini tape recorder was a sawed-off shotgun. Every so often we manage to corner somebody, but get more "No comment"s and "I don't know"s than you'd hear in a Rumsfeld press conference.
Let us tell you, dear reader, nothing is sadder than leaving Good Vibrations empty-handed. But that's what we're forced to do. On the way home, we dream of all things Make Your Own DILDO!-related. How does it work? Is this some new technology? Is it dangerous? Suddenly, we think of our friend Carol Queen, the perky Good Vibes sexologist. We call her up, and she happily agrees to an exclusive Dog Bites interview.
DB: How did this wonderful product come about?
CQ: We got requests from men and women who wanted to do their boyfriend's penis, their own penis, etc. There's something indubitably attractive about that ... if you like what your partner has, make a copy of it. It's a great way to immortalize your not quite immortal friend.
DB: We don't suppose there are other uses besides penises?
CQ: Oh, sure. Let's say you're using something that's not designed to be a sex toy; sometimes the material's not all that safe. Also, some materials are not as ... permanent as others. If somebody has that perfect zucchini, they're not going to be able to use it in November.
DB: We didn't think of that.
CQ: See, most dildos are made by small cottage industries, and if they stop making a design that somebody fell in love with 10 or 15 years ago, that person's out of luck. Even silicone dildos, after many years, will often get a little crack in them and may break in half. Now, if you've got something that's about to bite the dust, you can recast it.
DB: Have you heard of Cynthia Plaster Caster? The infamous '60s groupie who made casts of famous penises? She supposedly even got Jimi Hendrix.
CQ: Yes of course! Maybe this product will encourage a new plaster-casting generation!
DB: So, it's selling pretty well?
CQ: Oh, yeah. There's something about the do-it-yourself nature of this thing that folks find appealing. I mean, who knew that sex-related crafts was such an American hunger? We're really happy to give people something to do at home ... at two levels. Making the thing's only half the fun; then you get to use it!
DB: It seems rather ... expensive.
CQ: It's actually not. It has enough silicone to make two dildos, so it costs roughly the same or even a bit less. You get the maximum dildo for your buck. Do you want me to find out if we can get you one?
DB: You have to ask?
CQ: Just remember to read the instructions thoroughly before you start, because once you get your ....
Because of our excitement at the time, we don't really remember much else of our exclusive interview. Are we really going to get our very own Make Your Own DILDO! kit? Yes, it appears we are! We're back at Good Vibes, product in hand! But first we've gotta listen to two different staff members lecture us about following the instructions, using caution, yadda, yadda, yadda. Standard Good Vibes protocol, we're sure.
We dash outta there, jump in the car, and tear open the package like it's a box of Krispy Kremes. The thing has just five simple parts, yet it comes with a four-page instruction manual. Puh-leeze! How difficult could this be? We skim.
Now all we need is an assistant. A perky sidekick, if you will. Someone intelligent, motivated, full of journalistic integrity ... someone hot! Kathleen! I bet Kathleen would do it! We call her up, and sure enough, our voluptuous 6-foot blonde is game. God Bless America.
Some background about Kathleen: Oscar Wilde once said, "Women have a much better time than men in this world. There are far more things forbidden to them." That might be Kathleen's credo. She's beautiful and smart and kind, and always the first to jump into our harebrained schemes. We're not girlfriend/boyfriend, but we're not quite friends either. She once called us "fuck buddies," but we're not going to use that term here, for fear of it implying a lack of depth or something.
We grab Kathleen and her black lab, Gromit, and go over the plan. "This is perfect for a thirtyishsomething girl who's perpetually in heat," Kathleen muses. Racing down Dolores Street, we're having some trouble focusing on the assignment at hand. "I'm PMS-ing!" she cheerfully announces. Ah; this explains her mood: A PMS-ing Kathleen is even more entertaining than a regular Kathleen. She's holding forth on all things dildo-related, gesticulating wildly, playing with Gromit with her left hand, and eating a giant bar of Lindt chocolate with her right.
Once home, we put Kathleen in charge of the technical stuff, since she's the ex-art major who has cast weird stuff before. The rickety table in the bedroom's set up with all the ingredients: casting agent, silicone, wooden spoon, mixing bowl, water, etc.