Hey, DC: If X doesn't make junk, and X made me, then X made my bodily fluids, right? I would think that my bodily fluids on a bad day are better evidence of X's goodness and glory than, say, one of Phil's letters ever could be, what with his bad handwriting and lousy grammar. Even if X prefers Phil's letters to Dan's fluids, I don't think X is nearly as squeamish or thin-skinned as you Xtians are always makin' him out to be. He's X, he can take it!
Hey, Faggot: I'm writing in response to that ignorant, preaching fool who called homosexuality a choice: I'm a lesbian. I was once brainwashed by your cult of hate disguised as love of God. I dated guys. Tried to block out that tingly feeling I got when around an attractive woman. I used to pray to God to let there be just one man I was attracted to so I could live a "normal" life. I hated myself.
Now I realize that the only mistake I made was listening to morons like you. I could have married a man, completely denied my passion for women, and lived my life without ever having made love to someone I'm truly in love with -- but what kind of life is that?! I chose to accept who I am. You have no idea what it's like to have to choose between your religion and your happiness, you selfish bastard!
Ignorance Must End
Hey, IME: Thanks for sending in the Coming Out 101 lecture -- saved me the trouble of writing it myself.
Hey, Faggot: I just read your response to Phil. You're even more of a fuck-up than I thought. You can't get girls to like you, so you try the alternative lifestyle. You mock people who believe in God. I don't believe in God because my parents told me to; I believe in God because I've seen so much supernatural shit that I know God exists. Maybe you want your everlasting soul to live in a place where there is no love and only nightmares, like getting laid by a 450-pound woman. You wouldn't be able to shove hamsters up your ass in this place called hell. The reason hunger and other problems exist is because fucks like you think you can live without God.
Hey, P: People are hungry because I shove hamsters up my ass? That's an interesting take on world hunger. Here's another, albeit an obvious and oft-made one: I was channel-surfing last week, and landed on the Trinity Broadcasting Network. Ten million bucks' worth of TV equipment was being used to broadcast images of one Xtian snake-oil peddler and his glassy-eyed wife. How many people would the millions TNT spends on TV equipment feed? More than the money I spend on hamsters. And at least I donate my used hamsters to a food bank when I'm finished, warm from my lovin' oven.
And, P, what have you got against 450-pound women? X loves all the little children. For a Xtian, you're not a very nice person -- and wasn't "Be nice" X's main theme?
Hey, Faggot: I wouldn't tell my relatives this, but I am an Evangelical Christian who really likes your column. I've been thinking about writing you but I wasn't sure what I would say until I read your response to that Bible college student. For a while I have been wondering about the hostility between Evangelicals and gay people. The venom strikes me as unnecessary in both directions.
We have had some halting attempts toward interracial dialogue lately. I wonder what would happen if small groups of Evangelicals and gay people were to start meeting too. Don't wait for us to say what you are doing is OK, or to approve of your choices -- but that doesn't mean we can't at least talk and listen and understand each other.
Hopeful in Chicago
Hey, HIC: Look, all Evangelicals need to understand is that your opinions about homosexuality are only your opinions. So while I appreciate your good intentions, HIC, and while there may be queers out there interested in chatting up Evangelicals, I'm not one of them. Because as I see it, a dialogue is not really necessary. All that has to happen for hostilities between queers and Xtian fundies to cease is for you guys to stop fucking with us: Stop telling lies about us on your idiotic TV shows; stop opposing equal rights for gays and lesbians; stop calling her Ellen "Degenerate"; and stop having a shit fit every time we drop by Disneyland.
And while we're making a list, Xtians might wanna stop sending unsolicited letters to queers informing us that we're going to hell. Do Xtians send letters like the one Phil sent me to other people Xtians believe are going to hell? Has Phil sent a letter to Ann Landers, Jewish advice columnist, informing her that unless she accepts X as her personal savior she and her wig are gonna be tossed into a lake of fire, where they will both burn for all eternity? Not only hasn't Phil sent Ann the bad news, but I'm guessing he wouldn't even think of doing such a thing -- and if he did, Xtians would be lining up to tell him he was rude, and that his letter was uncalled for. Well, guess what? All we queers want from Xtians is to be treated with the same courtesy you manage to muster up for the billions of other people you believe are going to hell. We aren't hung up on your approval, and we're not waiting for your "OK." We can get through the day knowing that there are people out there who disapprove of us, just as I assume you can get through the day knowing that Islamic fundamentalists disapprove of you, or that those mean ol' Hindus believe all you misguided Xtians are coming back in the next life as hamsters.
Hey, Faggot: I know you're going to get shit for your response to Phil, so I just want to say to all those recruiting, brainwashing, my-religion-is-the-only-right-religion Christian fundamentalists out there:
FUCK OFF AND LEAVE EVERYONE THE FUCK ALONE!
Hey, M: My point exactly.