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Hey, Faggot: We're a straight couple who enjoy tremendous sex and snuggling together. Lately we've been joined in bed by ... our dog. He's a sweet puppy, 1 year old and neutered, and a willing partner in both foreplay and cleanup, and does amazing reaches with his snout when we fuck. Very fuzzy. Since we all respect each other afterward, and he seems to enjoy what pleasure we can give him, our question isn't moral, but practical: Are there any pathogens in his mouth that you know of that could result in yeast infections or other genitourinary afflictions?

More Than Just Puppy Lovers
Hey, MTJPL: Your question is well outside my various and sundry areas of expertise. So I'm passing this one off to a specially assembled squad of experts: a vet, a sex therapist, and a spokesperson for People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals (PETA). Here's what the vet had to say: "Dogs have quite a bit of bacteria in their mouths. They lick their butts, they lick their genitals, they lick other dogs' butts, they eat poop -- and it's very common for dogs to have E. coli in their feces; it's the most frequent cause of urinary tract infections in dogs -- I wouldn't want that in my mouth or my genital or rectal area. There are millions of organisms in a dog's mouth that could cause urinary tract infections, yeast infections. There's staphylococcus, streptococcus, mycoplasma, pseudomonas.

"The male human could get prostatitis [infection of the prostate gland] and testicular infections -- draining tracts of pus around the testes -- which can result in serious damage to the testes, fibrosis [scarring], and sterility."

What would the doctor do if she learned that a dog under her care was being used for sex? "I'd be on the phone to the animal control folks and the police, and try to get documentation, and do what I could to see that the animal is not returned to the person."

Here's what the sex therapist had to say: "Many people derive comfort from simple physical contact with their animals -- we live with these animals most intimately. Erotic contact with dogs and cats is a widespread practice. Some people are in total denial and some are in total recognition. He sounds conscious of what he likes, he doesn't seem to have any moral conflicts."

If a patient were having sex with a dog, our sex therapist would: "Tell them to think it through. Anytime you're doing something controversial in your culture, you need to be clear about it. Look at whatever is present: Is this harming you? Harming the dog? Just going with your feelings, going with your desires, is irresponsible unless you include your brain, your judgment, before you make the decision to proceed."

Here's what PETA had to say: "We're against animal exploitation in any way, shape, or form. This is definitely something PETA would be against. The animal doesn't have any choice in the matter, they're taking advantage of the animal. If this couple has a great sex life with each other, leave the dog out of it. Spend quality time with the dog in some other way."

Hey, Faggot: What is the harm in a woman fucking a dog? Obviously, the male dog has to be showing some serious interest in order to consummate the deed, so it's not as if it's rape or abuse, right?

While in Amsterdam, I was able to watch videos of women getting down and dirty with man's best friend. In Portland, Ore., the only way I get to witness my favorite fuck act is at a video arcade. They have rooms where you can flip through several channels of smut for a pocketful of quarters. I can watch it there, but according to the guy at the counter, I can't rent it because it is illegal.

Does this make sense? I don't own a dog because they aren't allowed in the complex I live in. So where can a person indulge in such acts? Is it as uncommon as I am led to believe, or is it that it's way too taboo to speak of?

Horny as Hell
Hey, HAH: The vet: "Dogs get erections at anything -- when they come to the vet's office, when you walk them down the street -- their erections can't be interpreted as the dog consenting to a sex act. Someone who says, 'Well, the dog has an erection and that means the dog wants to do this,' isn't very familiar with dogs."

The sex therapist: "As people go, the Dutch are a very healthful people. But women who have sex with animals, for the most part, do it for the money. And there's money in it because guys like Horny find it compelling."

PETA: "Forgive me for sounding flustered, but in a year of working this position, this is the first time it has ever come up. Look: Keeping pets is OK; dogs and cats have been so far removed from their natural state, they rely on us. But we're against having sex with them, even if they appear to enjoy it. This cannot be considered part of a normal human interaction with a pet."

Dan here: You make it sound like the hard part is finding a willing dog. Just where do you intend to find women interested in screwing your schnauzer? I'm trying not to be judgmental, but really, HAH, you make me wanna puke. Blech.

Hey, Faggot: I'm a gay man who has a foot fetish. I enjoy fucking without feet, but with my partner's feet included in our sexual interlude, I experience much more excitement and pleasure. My problem: I don't know when to tell my partner of my attraction to his feet. Should I tell him before we go to bed together, while in bed together and expressing our sexual interest, or should I get to know a person first through dating and then tell him? This dilemma causes me anxiety every time I meet someone. I know my anxiety is related to my fear of rejection over the issue, but I feel if I were more confident about the timing I would be more relaxed and better able to communicate my needs. What is your advice?

KC
Hey, KC: Hand your next sex partner a copy of this column. Tell him, "One of the letters is from me." When he's finished reading -- and begins nervously looking around your apartment for telltale signs of dog ownership -- announce that you're the foot-fetish guy. He'll be so relieved you don't want him to fuck your dog, he'll probably let you do anything you like with his feet.

As fetishes go (see above), a thing for feet is pretty harmless. Tell your boyfriends right away.

In this week's column, the role of the vet was played by Dr. Kari Johnson; the role of the sex therapist was played by Elizabeth Ray Larson of the Seattle Institute for Sex Therapy, Education, and Research (aka SISTER); and the role of the PETA spokesperson was played by Kathy Savory, media assistant with People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals in Washington,

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