Aries (March 21-April 19): Stop punishing yourself. Profess your love on one knee. Sing your favorite commercial in your most reverent tone of voice. "Accidentally" drop an open-faced peanut butter and jelly sandwich on the floor in the power spot of someone who's treated you disrespectfully. Buy a book full of jokes and memorize 10 of them for use in social settings that are way too serious. Express gratitude for a troublemaker because of how hard he or she has provoked you to think. Dream and scheme about how to instigate the beginning of the end of what you love to hate.
Taurus (April 20-May 20): In hunting your horoscope for this week, Taurus, I first tried alectryomancy. It's a form of divination in which a rooster pecks kernels of corn thrown on a Ouija board. The oracle came with amazing precision: "Dream your dream home." Next I gave onychomancy a shot. That's divination by reading the sun's reflection in someone's fingernails. "Feed yr root" was the pithy message. Finally I tried videomancy. Sauntering over to the TV, I flipped it on and wrote down the first words I heard. An old hippie dude on a cable access station was mumbling, "Building community." So there you have it: Dream your dream home, feed your roots, and build your community.
Gemini (May 21-June 20): In a culture where the old rules of intimate relationship have rotted away and the new rules are still incubating, where can you find guidance in figuring out how to be passionately true both to yourself and to your commitments? Dr. Laura? John Gray's Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus? MTV's Love Line? Not likely. You'll have to dig deeper and be willing to change more than that. Let me recommend two books: John Welwood's Love and Awakening and Daniel Wile's After the Honeymoon: How Conflict Can Improve Your Relationship. Do you have the guts to allow love to bend you and shape you into a spiritual warrior, Gemini? If so, start today.
Cancer (June 21-July 22): You'll be a cross between a soccer mom and a mad scientist this week. Some of the time you'll be a responsible nurturer, taking care of business with no-nonsense efficiency. Other times, you'll experience flashes of crazed clarity that'll lead you in the direction of taboo-breaking experiments. And on some occasions you'll be like both a soccer mom and a mad scientist simultaneously. During those high-pitched moments of truth, you'll be full of levelheaded integrity as you wander into frontiers that thrill your imagination.
Leo (July 23-Aug. 22): Why settle for gut-rotting moonshine when you might be able to wangle a heart-awakening tonic? Why eat crow when you're still not sure what exactly your just desserts will be? The near future is rife with plot twists and sudden reversals, my friend -- most of which will be in your favor. If I had to give you one rule to live by in the coming weeks, it would be this: Don't be too sure you know what's going to happen next. I mean, why suck up cheap black-market thrills when wholesome, reasonably priced highs are almost within reach?
Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22): I'm going to make a prediction that may not make sense for a few weeks -- or longer. Not too long from now, Virgo, you will be swallowed up -- as when Jonah was eaten by the whale, or Persephone descended into the underworld, or the Native American creator god Raven turned himself into a pine needle and was gulped down by the Sky Chief's daughter. I further predict that this will be one of the best things that has ever happened to you, because in the process of extricating yourself from the darkness you will awaken in yourself undreamed-of powers.
Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22): I dare you to become obsessed with all the shades of red this week. Wear burgundy underwear and ruby slippers. Wash down beets with sangria. Use scarlet crayons to scrawl poems about fire engines and cardinals and red balloons. Red red red wherever you go, OK? And every time you see a rosy hue, I'd like you to use it to trigger this motto: "My passion is back in fashion." Visualize red and repeat that affirmation 10 times. Say "My passion is back in fashion" while imagining yourself on a crimson bed, holding a bowl of cherries, beckoning to a lover clad in vermilion silk who's holding a dozen red roses.
Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21): According to Robert Bly, Joseph Campbell used to suggest that we should imagine a god to be like a floating ball of fire that would immediately kill anyone it touched. Through my acquaintance with occult magicians, I've seen how easy it is to become deranged if you seek out too much communion with divine entities, even friendly ones, without sufficient preparation. That's the bad news about flirting with supernatural blessings, Scorpio. The good news is that you're in prime condition for your imminent brush with them. Not only will you not be knocked on your ass by the benevolence that's headed your way; you'll actually be able to use it.
Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21): Like the waxing crescent moon, your light is steadily growing. Like a skillful military strategist, you're conquering just the right amount of territory each day, neither overreaching nor underestimating your capacities. Like a good lover, you have a knack for unleashing the subtle touch or word that adds a charge everywhere you go. In other words, dear Sagittarius, your old feast-or-famine routine is inoperative. At least for now, you're no longer addicted to the melodrama of having either too much or too little.
Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19): There's nothing quite as invigorating as a brisk head-to-toe massage of your most easily aroused contradictions -- unless it's a no-rules-allowed speedboat race through uncharted regions of the tunnel of love. And to experience both shakedowns in the same week? It might be enough to inspire a miraculous merger of your dream lover and the real thing.
Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18): The conventional wisdom says that
premenstrual women are abnormally irritable. That may be, but research by psychology professor Maureen McHugh suggests that this temporary crankiness is no more severe than what the average man feels most of the time. I bring this up, Aquarius, because even though you're a member of the least cantankerous astrological sign, lately you've been acting like a premenstrual man. As out of character as your snarls have been, though, they've generated a few oddly invigorating effects that should begin showing up this week. Further good news: Your crabbiness will soon mutate into excitability.
Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20): During my softball game last Sunday, I slid into second base with less than my usual grace, ripping open a big gash in my knee. Imagine my surprise, as I removed the bandage two days later, when I found that the scrape had come to resemble a perfect image of Jesus. A wicked performance-art idea occurred to me. I set up a stand on the sidewalk in front of my house, with a sign that read, "See the miraculous image of Our Lord in the Scab of Destiny -- only $5 a peek." This is a rather extreme and perhaps overly wacky example of the approach I recommend for you this week, Pisces. In other words, do something to capitalize on one of your wounds.