Taurus (April 20-May 20): The Real Astrology Psychic Surgery Team is proud to announce the debut of Horoscope Makeovers, a service in which we transplant your planets into different signs and design an entirely new blueprint for you. Say your Venus is suffering from an inhospitable aspect with your Mars: We'll cut and paste it into a more sympathetic part of your chart. To be honest, though, Taurus, your predicament is not yet serious enough to warrant such drastic measures. Let's give simpler cures a shot. For starters, try banging your head against the wall -- softly -- to see if that'll dislodge a mental block or two.
Gemini (May 21-June 20): I'm boggled by the intellectual frauds who deride astrology without ever having studied anything more than a tabloid horoscope column. To match their idiocy, I might survey a strip of convenience stores and gas stations and then declare that architecture is worthless bunk. Have the arrogant high priests of scientism read the erudite astrologer Dane Rudhyar? Are they so insular as to dismiss eminent psychologist C.G. Jung, who cast horoscopes and wrote that "astrology represents the summation of all the psychological knowledge of antiquity"? The moral of the story, Gemini: Distrust anyone who tells you that what he sees is all there is. Be assured that life is far more mysterious than even the smartest and most confident people imagine.
Cancer (June 21-July 22): My very first astrology column appeared in a small newspaper in Santa Cruz. Today, two decades later, I'm syndicated in 112 publications on five continents. The secret of my success? It's hard to underestimate the power of my tenacity, a trait common to those of us who belong to the Cancerian tribe. The talents that were little more than potential when I started have had 20 years to ripen. What heights do you want to be living at in 2019, my fellow Crab? If you tap into the diligence that is your birthright, you simply cannot be denied. In fact, I wouldn't be surprised if you reached the summit by 2007.
Leo (July 23-Aug. 22): I dare you to drop what you're doing and make a pilgrimage to a sacred spot that's almost too exciting for you to bear -- a sanctuary that simultaneously shatters you with remorse for what you've been missing and electrifies you with a virile determination to seize what you've been denying yourself. (Women can be virile too, you know.) To boost you in your quest, I will pray to the Goddess of Clean Breaks that she will help you escape your irrational mistrust of finding heaven on Earth.
Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22): According to the World Health Organization, 100 million acts of sexual intercourse, involving more than 200 million partners, take place on the Earth every 24 hours. I find it enormously comforting that pleasure of such monumental proportions is erupting so routinely. It makes me feel certain that despite the media's propaganda to the contrary, we really do live in a loving universe. And what does this have to do with you? On a normal day, an average of 16.6 million Virgos are getting it on globally. If my readings of the cosmic vibes are correct, however, I believe the figure will be more like 50 million this week. Your tribe is now enjoying peak levels of tender lust.
Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22): Feeling twinges of longing for more mothering, or more nurturing, or more something-but-you-don't-know-what? I think it may be time to get yourself a Big Sister. You know, a plucky woman who's halfway between a mommy and a friend. Someone who's a little bit older and wiser than you (Goddess knows you could use a helpful nudge from someone who knows you don't know it all) -- yet not so much older and wiser that she's always pulling rank. Put out a call for a superwoman or a mentor who not only likes and understands you but also sees what you're missing.
Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21): When I took my daughter Zoe on the merry-go-round, she bolted straight for the gold horse with streaming violet hair. I chose the humble pig: dirty pink, head pointed down, squat body low to the ground. The woman who operated the ride came over and confided to me that I was the first person to hop on the porker in months. Proud of my expression of individuality, I nodded and said, "Bet I get to where we're going just as fast as everyone else, though." This led, as the ride began, to a meditation on you, Scorpio. I felt certain that my action was symbolic of the choice you should make in the coming week.
Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21): Awhile back, Sagittarian pitcher Mike Mussina signed a three-year, $20.5 million contract extension with the Baltimore Orioles, turning down fatter offers from other teams. "Sometimes money is not that big a deal," he was quoted as saying by writer Scott Ostler. I believe you should follow Mussina's example this week, Sagittarius. If it means you'll have a better chance at finding peace, love, and understanding, pass up the $25 million offer and settle for the $20.5 million.
Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19): Once a year I select one sign of the zodiac to be the recipient of a special service. In 1999, Capricorn, you're it: Make or acquire a symbol of your most heart-rending anguish. Send it to me. I will then conduct a sacred ritual of purification during which I will burn that symbol to ash as I pray for your deliverance. While this may not extinguish your pain completely, I believe it will conjure a tangible healing that you'll be able to feel the benefits of within six weeks. Mail a representation of what hurts you the most to PO Box 150628, San Rafael, CA 94915.
Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18): Watch for a whooping crane feather floating on the wind, Aquarius, the face of Jesus in a potato chip, mirror sunglasses on toy robots, Hallmark cards in the gutter, and sequined T-shirts on senior citizens. The arrival of any of these signs is practically a guarantee that a profound stroke of dumb luck will soon follow. If you'd prefer not to make your fate dependent on such chance sightings, I suggest you focus your attention elsewhere. Be alert, instead, for ripe opportunities to improve communication, subtle invitations from people who've been unavailable, and unexpected openings to heal long-standing schisms.
Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20): [Note: The message contained in this horoscope was channeled by Rob Brezsny verbatim from God. If you have any complaints, please direct them to the Supreme Being Herself.] You must become more earthy about your spiritual aspirations, Pisces. Bring your lofty ideals to bear on your most intimate decisions. Ask yourself the question, "How would God like me to watch TV?" For extra credit, I dare you to put a bumper sticker on your car that says: "God was my co-pilot, but we crashed into the mountains and I had to eat her.