Taurus (April 20-May 20): The evidence pouring in is growing more puzzling by the hour. I sense you're on the verge of a rather spectacular befuddlement. In light of this, I believe it'll be unwise -- indeed, impossible -- for you to make decisions using tried-and-true formulas. You may even have to come up with approaches so novel that they seem cracked to the casual observer. That's why I feel confident in leaving you with this gem from that Taurus Zen master, former baseball player Yogi Berra: "When you come to a fork in the road, take it."
Gemini (May 21-June 20): Some people regard me as more of a cheerleader and motivator than an impartial reporter. They think I downplay the pain and embellish the gain that awaits you. There's a grain of truth in that. Now and then I may imply that paradise is nigh when in fact the suburbs of paradise are a more realistic goal. But I view my optimism as a healing counterbalance to the absurdly exaggerated doses of discouraging news you hear almost everywhere else you go. Having said all that, I want you to know that I am not hyperbolizing in the least when I tell you you're now very close to gaining a strategic new advantage over an ancient frustration.
Cancer (June 21-July 22): Your assignment this week, should you choose to accept it, is to read Hans Christian Andersen's fairy tale The Ugly Duckling. As you may know, it's about the misadventures of a young swan that mistakenly believes it's a freakish, unlovable duck. I'm not saying there's an exact analogy between your recent history and the ugly duckling's, but I'm sure you'll resonate with the climax of the story, when the bird finally realizes its true nature, and no longer strains to compare itself to an utterly inappropriate ideal.
Leo (July 23-Aug. 22): You'll be a lightning rod this week. That means of course you should not stroll on golf courses or climb tall trees during thunderstorms. On the other hand, you should do what you can to get struck by electrifying bolts of insight about the future. With a little luck, some of you may even have conversion experiences akin to the temporarily blinding vision that presto-chango'd Saul of Tarsus into the Apostle Paul. With a lot of luck, a few of you may get the same result without being cast into darkness for even an hour.
Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22): It's not a good week to ask for gifts you don't really need, or steal things that already belong to you, or fake any kind of emotion whatsoever. It's also not such a great time to let old memories of romantic combat influence your decisions about love. However, it's an excellent moment to check out a book by psychologist Lorraine Lafferty called Perfectionism: A Sure Cure for Happiness.
Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22): When I first started in the business of writing a horoscope column, I chose Jeane Dixon as my anti-role model. Her use of astrology was everything I didn't want mine to be: obsessed with celebrities, expressed with unimaginative language, saturated with right-wing politics, and pandering to her readers' greed and narcissism. I didn't hate her. On the contrary, I loved her for providing such a lucid symbol to define myself in opposition to. I urge you, Libra, to launch a search for your own reverse mentor. The astrological aspects say the time is right to formulate a clear and vigorous picture of what you don't want to become.
Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21): It may seem wildly out of place in an urbane column like this to talk about "false gods." Isn't that a term better suited to the hysterical infomercials of fundamentalist Christians? Let's just say that I'm giving it a different meaning here. The false gods I'm referring to are the cheap idols and fetid fetishes and stingy obsessions that don't deserve the devotion you've been showering on them. I say unto you, Scorpio, that it's high time to sweep them off their pedestals and replace them with truly godlike icons that'll bring out more of the best in you.
Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21): I invite you to write a letter to the person you'll be one year from today. Tell this Future You that you've taken a sacred vow to accomplish three special desires by then. Say that these desires are more important to you than anything else in your life. Describe them. Brainstorm about everything you'll do to make them happen. Draw pictures or compose collages that capture your excitement about them. Promise that you're ready, for their sake, to sign your passion on the bottom line. When you've finished this letter, mail it, along with a self-addressed stamped letter, to PO Box 150247, San Rafael, CA 94915. One year from the day I receive it, I'll mail it back to you.
Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19): My study of etiquette has led me to conclude that if a guest is tardy to a dinner party, the host is obligated to wait no longer than 25 minutes before serving the food. I bring this up not just to advise you about any soirees you might throw this week. I'd also like to nudge you to set a firm deadline for other promised arrivals. Have big talkers been hemming and hawing about when they're going to deliver the goods? Have cowardly lions been backing away from their commitments? Tell 'em all -- in a nice, polite tone of voice -- to put up or shut up.
Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18): I have a theory about the meaning of the planet Uranus in your personal chart. I believe it reveals potential talents which, if you could fully develop them, would not only constitute your most unique genius but would also be your most useful gift to your fellow humans. To be honest, however, most people in the history of the world have gone to their graves without ever being in charge of this power spot. With that as a caveat, I'd like to suggest that in the next few weeks you'll have an excellent window of opportunity to get better acquainted with this hot zone where selfishness and unselfishness overlap.
Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20): God almighty, Pisces, if you're not overflowing with ideas about how to bring more money into your life, I don't know what to say -- except maybe that you should check your birth certificate to see if your momma lied to you about what month you were born. The planets' message is unequivocal: It's time for you to get richer quicker! If you don't detect at least one effervescent opportunity to improve your financial condition in the week ahead, my name is Brad Pitt.