Taurus (April 20-May 20): You're in a position similar to one I was in four years ago. My 1984 Chevy Malibu was working fine except for one little problem with the transmission: It could no longer go in reverse. I regarded it as a metaphor for my life at that time, and now I'm taking it as a metaphor for yours. There's no turning back, my friend. Full speed ahead. Onward to the future. If you must park now and then, make sure it's in spaces you don't have to back out of.
Gemini (May 21-June 20): One of my favorite quotes about the nature of truth came from the physicist Neils Bohr. "The opposite of a correct statement is a false statement," he said. "But the opposite of a profound truth may well be another profound truth." Recently I heard Native American prophet Robert Morningsky put it another way. "The truth is like the bear," he mused. "Is it a gentle beast of nature, a model for the stuffed animal children love most? Or is it a vicious carnivore that'll rip you to shreds if you turn your back on it? The answer, of course, is that it's both." Nothing could be more important for you to keep in mind during this week's tests. Can you build a bridge and burn it at the same time?
Cancer (June 21-July 22): As I muse on your role in this week's melodramas, my daydreams turn to that poignant moment in 1969 when Grace Slick got within an eyelash of dosing the drinks with LSD at a White House lawn party. I'm not recommending that you do anything quite so extreme, mind you. I'm just foreseeing that you'll have a load of cosmic help whenever you inject some mischievous, catalytic energy into stuffy situations where the people are way too impressed with themselves. (P.S. The planetary gods will also look favorably on you if you launch that same uproarious spirit toward your own most dogmatic opinions and fixed ideas.)
Leo (July 23-Aug. 22): The next seven fable-packed days will be off-the-record, over-the-top, under-the-table, and out-of-the-blue. They'll be internecine, prolix, sedulous, incandescent, and vicissitudinous. It'll be the kind of week when you better hope you don't spill your dinner on yourself as you're wolfing it down in your car on your way to your date with blind destiny. Under the highly unpredictable circumstances, it's sort of stupid for me to give advice, but in the spirit of doing things that don't make any sense just because they feel right, I'll offer you advice anyway: Do NOT keep it simple, stupid.
Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22): I'll tell you how feminist a man I am. Not only do I always put the toilet seat down after using it, I also buy all the toilet paper for our household -- a task which sociologists say almost universally falls to women in our culture. In honor of International Women's Day -- and to celebrate the quickening of your own inner feminine -- I exhort all you Virgo men to follow my lead, only in a more majestic way. Maybe you could perform a ritual of praise for the women in your life, or give them a solid hour when you listen to their stories with rapt intelligence. Virgo women: Do the same. Pull off a sublime feat that is the reverse of one of your highly conditioned roles.
Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22): I must have been dazed on flu medication when I channeled last week's horoscope. I mean it was astrologically correct and everything. But I could have said it in a kinder, gentler way. Of course, if I had been sweeter, you probably wouldn't have gotten the shock you needed to bust out of your rut. So maybe it was all for the best -- just as the following advice will be: You'll have to work twice as hard as you did last week to fix what's not officially broke -- but which unofficially is very broke.
Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21): Twenty-six years ago, a swampy region of Malaysia called Sungei Siput hosted one of history's fiercest orgies. Over 10,000 frogs showed up, as if on cue, to copulate nonstop for a week. Their ecstatic croaks could be heard at a distance of 25 miles. Now it so happens that the planetary configurations at that time had a certain similarity to those in the week ahead, and it further so happens that this new wave of cosmic eros will be bearing down most intensely on you Scorpios. My advice? Enjoy the hell out of yourself, but don't emulate the frogs, whose mating territory looked like a war zone when they were done.
Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21): Videotape this week for posterity. Take lots of notes and mental snapshots. Save souvenirs, keep records of all the sweet synchronicities, and move as if in luxurious slow motion.
What's the occasion? Your lost love has returned. And who's your lost love? You! You're your own lost love! After all these centuries, a missing part of you has finally wandered back. Don't just stand there. Give yourself a big kiss and a new engagement ring and a torrent of hot promises about how you'll never be parted again.
Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19): If a horoscope columnist you respected told you that the decision you faced in the week ahead would be like having to choose between listening to Imelda Marcos singing "Feelings" and William Shatner crooning "Lucy in the Sky With Diamonds," how would you respond? Would you: a) assume the horoscope columnist was drunk and dismiss his advice out of hand; b) slavishly take every word of the columnist to be gospel truth and start preparing for a bland torture; or c) say to yourself, "Just in case he's right, I'm going to turn around and head in a direction opposite to the fork in the road that leads to Marcos and Shatner"?
Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18): History shows that Aquarians have devised a disproportionate number of useful inventions. The record also suggests, however, that a curiously small percentage of Aquarians own the patents on useful inventions. What does this tell us? That your tribe tends to be better at hatching the brilliant innovations than capitalizing on them; that the oddball visions which make you such a catalyst are all too often undermined by fuzzy organizational skills. I'm dumping this on you not to make you feel bad, but to motivate you to rise up against me. Make me a liar, you rebel genius. Don't just be a revolutionary. Be a revolutionary who's not afraid of paperwork.
Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20): As a fun-loving toy collector who's always been addicted to childhood, I'm probably not the best person to talk to you about this subject, but it looks like you have no one else in your life to do the job. The fact is, Pisces, that cranky old taskmaster Saturn has, for more than two years, been forcing you to submit to heavy-handed lessons in growing up. You now have just four weeks left to finish your studies and take your final exam. I'm almost positive this means you'll have to divest yourself -- at least a little -- of your Peter Pan syndrome.