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Rant: Man Demands Bag Surrender Its Seat on BART 

Wednesday, Oct 12 2011
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Ranter: Leather-jacketed man in his forties sporting a mustache like a fat strip of Velcro

Location: BART, Pittsburgh/Bay Point train headed out of Powell Station

Time: Around 6 p.m. on a Tuesday

Topics Covered: Aristocratic luggage; how many seats one person should occupy on public transportation; the cleanliness of BART floors; whether hardworking people matter.

The Rant:

[Commuters pour into the train. Like several others, Mustache Man approaches what at first seems to be an empty seat. Unlike those others, upon seeing that the seat is occupied with a large rolling suitcase Mustache Man shares his frustrations. As the train surges toward Montgomery, Mustache Man addresses the case's owner.]

Mustache Man: That there's some pretty luggage, boss.

[Owner stares straight ahead.]

Mustache Man: But it better be, if you going to treat it like a princess. That's what you think it is, right? You think your bag's a princess?

[Owner stares straight ahead.]

Mustache Man: It best be some kind of princess if you think that it ought to have a seat, and all of these hardworking people all up in here don't. You think that you're the only motherfucker here who deserves two seats. You think that you got some precious royalty here, You think —

Owner: The floor is dirty.

Mustache Man: You think your princess bag is more important than all these tired, tired people? You want to stand up and tell 'em your princess bag is more important than they is?

Owner: I don't want my shit on that dirty floor.

Mustache Man: Your shit wouldn't be on the floor! It's packed in the bag, boss! That's the reason they make bags!

[People laugh. Mustache Man feels encouraged.]

Mustache Man: You going to take it home and eat off it? Jesus Christ. You're taking your princess bag out on a date or some shit?

[Owner stares straight ahead.]

Mustache Man: And who the fuck ever said those seats was clean?

About The Author

Alan Scherstuhl

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