Almost all of us have suffered because of the current recession, but some have suffered more than others. We should stop feeling equally sorry for everyone, and dole out our sympathy to those who deserve it most. Let's face it: Some people's lives used to be really sweet and are now only bittersweet.
To find out where you stand, take this short quiz.
Until you had to cut back because of the current recession, you had:
A. A charity ball
B. A weekly volunteer shift
C. A quarter to give to that smelly homeless guy outside the Powell Street BART station
D. An opinion
A. A weekend chalet in wine country
B. A weekend bottle of Sangiovese
C. A lost weekend barhopping in the Mission
D. A weekend
A. A compound in Pacific Heights
B. A condo in SOMA
C. An apartment in the Lower Haight
D. An old umbrella
A. A personal shopper in Union Square
B. A credit card to shop at Macy's in Union Square
C. A hot dog in Union Square
D. Not been allowed to go within 300 feet of Union Square by court order
A. A trophy wife
B. A loving spouse
C. An online romance
D. A dog, a cat, and a rat
A. A valet
B. A monthly parking spot in a downtown garage
C. Change for the parking meter
D. An expired Muni transfer
A = 4, B = 3, C = 2, D = 1
19-24 points: It's really hard not to be crazy drunk all the time when you lost your job as an investment banker and couldn't even get a second interview for a hosting position at Pasta Pomodoro. But ask yourself: "If a Muni bus misses a stop in a forest and no one is there to see it, am I still late for work even though I don't have a job?" Once you figure out the answer to this question, the recession will be over.
12-18 points: At least now you don't have to waste any more time volunteering, Recessionista. You've lost a little, but let's face it: You didn't have a lot to start with. Your best bet is coming up with a killer iPhone app like iMoney, which is like money except it's just a picture of money on your iPhone screen.
6-11 points: For you, life before the recession was like playing a game you didn't understand in a language you didn't speak, and that language was called success. Now everyone is playing a game they don't understand in a language they don't speak, and that language is still called success. You're not exactly the one-eyed man in the land of the blind, but at least everyone else is now wearing an eyepatch.