Falling Down I guess August must be the least-circulated month in Rolling Stone's business calendar. This would explain why American Idol wunderkind Ruben Stoddard was featured on the cover of the Aug. 21 issue, mouth agape, ready to take a bite out of your Monte Cristo. If you'd flipped through the issue you would've come across the magazine's heads-up about big acts' "hotly anticipated" new releases this fall. I went ahead and summed these records up to save you the trouble of reading about them.
Limp Bizkit -- Untitled
No need to buy this one: You can listen to it at a stoplight, spilling out like sewage from a lifted black truck driven by a thick-necked, frosted-tipped, Oakley sunglasses wearing bro. He'll be on his way to "the lake."
Sting -- Sacred Love
No need to buy this one, either. Check it out in the new Mercury Cougar commercial coming this fall.
Dave Matthews -- Some Devil
It is rumored that Super Dave teamed up with the Neptunes for his first solo record. We always knew Dave was a baller. Go ahead and get this album, since it will give you and your college buddies from '95 something to talk about -- finally.
Blink 182 -- Blink 182
As Good Charlotte's orbit carries it behind the sun, look to the east as Blink 182 dawns anew with Apollonian glory to drain the allowances of Generations X, Y, and the soon-to-be-christened Generation @.
John Mayer -- Heavier Things
All across the globe, folks will be enjoying po' boy sandwiches with extra Mayer this fall. We'll be amazed as radio stations play singles from both his 2001 smash and his new record -- a feat that puts him on a shortlist with Presley, Springsteen, and Springfield -- while he makes that icky poo-poo face all the way to the bank.
Iggy Pop -- Skull Ring
Even a Stooges reunion and guest appearances by this 56-year-old's new brood -- Peaches, Sum 41, and Green Day -- won't get this record elected governor. You'll have to settle for a collaboration with Santana and songs about colonoscopies.
Rod Stewart -- Great American Songbook: Volume 2
Get this for your mom for Christmas and listen to it while you are asleep on the couch after dinner. A duet with Cher and her vocoder will make you wonder whether he do it with her, too.
Courtney Love -- America's Sweetheart
Having presumably blown the dough she made off rereleasing Nirvana's back catalog, punk's Whitney Houston returns. Though we're all waiting to spend money on a posthumous collection of her work, her latest should be worth a listen to find out if all the king's auto-tuners could put Courtney back together again.
The Strokes -- Room on Fire
Since everybody caught on so fast to the Strokes' sound and hairstyles, the act's next record may seem like a tribute to the Strokes of last year, without any big changes. I, for one, would like to hear more songs about how band members spend their money and who their favorite sports teams are.
Keep in mind that the fall list is of the utmost importance to cash-strapped labels. Without the season's revenues, there's no budget for promoting all those great records slated for release during the holidays. So remember: Buy It, Don't Burn It.