Miss-Matches.com: Sex, Lies and Instant Messaging! "I'm barfing out the story unabridged!" That's how actor/writer Leslie Beam explains it in her one-woman show Miss-Matches.com. This self-declared "queen of cyberland" takes us on a 66-minute journey through a small sampling of more than 300 badly matched Internet dates after the breakup of her 13-year marriage (he was obsessed with football and bong rips; she was consumed with computer-sex chat rooms). Beam gets props for hanging out her dirty laundry: Onstage she brandishes her favorite sex toys (including a 3-foot-long Black & Decker vibrator), shows us dungeon floggings, makes fun of gimp-armed lovers, complains about fat people, and confesses to multiple dates with a convict tattooed with the words "white pride." Any sympathy she generates sours when she lightheartedly reveals her prejudice, recounting her ghastly treatment of an innocent date solely because he was black. She doesn't delve into her discrimination or give it any particular reason or depth; she simply tries for a laugh. Later she turns down another black cybersuitor, responding that she hasn't yet "exhausted the entire pool of eligible white men." In trying to illuminate the human and humorous side of Internet dating, Beam delivers a one-dimensional portrayal of herself and caricatures of her dates, seeming intent on proving that the Web is filled with a disproportionate number of weirdos and psychos. Through April 29 at the Shelton Theater, 533 Sutter (between Mason and Powell), S.F. Tickets are $25; call 820-1454 or visit www.miss-matches.com. (Nathaniel Eaton) Reviewed March 1.
Nero (Another Golden Rome). Early in the second act, when it's clear everything in Rome is going to hell, actor Andrew Hurteau (as Nero's charismatic narrator, Boccaccio) states that "even the gravest devastation ... can be turned by the leader of the nation under siege to his own advantage ... into moments of theater he can star in." This world premiere, written by Steven Sater and developed at the Magic Theatre, presents a modernist take on the delicious and decadent source material of Nero, the Roman party-boy emperor who had an Oedipal relationship with his mom, slept with "humpbacked midgets," and famously played the fiddle as his empire burned an intentional and frightening allegory about our current administration. This ambitious production helmed by Beth F. Milles, scored with songs by Grammy-nominated Duncan Sheik, and staged on an impressive deconstructionist set by Melpomene Katakalos briefly stumbles out of the gate in a first act clogged with too much stilted narration and strangely stylized acting, then settles into a solid and powerful night of theater as we witness the inner workings and betrayals of an empire in steep decline. Sater's script depicts Nero (Drew Hirshfield), who first appears in drag (well, he is the nephew of the decadent Caligula), as the political puppet of his mother (Catherine Smitko) and his adviser Seneca (David Cramer); the play is a startling reminder of the devastation that can result if a government and its leader are allowed to go unchecked and be unaccountable. Through April 8 at the Magic Theatre, Fort Mason Center, Marina & Buchanan, S.F. Tickets are $20-40; call 441-8822 or visit www.magictheatre.org. (Nathaniel Eaton) Reviewed March 15.
A Perfect Ganesh. A graceful god, with rotund belly and bejeweled elephant headdress, dances onstage as Indian music carries subtle incense on the air. This plump god is Ganesh, "queller of obstacles," inviting us to follow two women to Bombay. With a clap of Ganesh's hands, we're at the airport, where we meet the finicky Margaret and the spontaneous Katharine, a pair of well-to-do old friends about to discover they hardly know each other. Their turbulent journey reveals that Katharine is recovering from a loss (aided by self-help tapes), and is hoping India will heal her pain; Margaret is escaping heartbreak of her own. As the pair experience the heat and crowds, meet fellow travelers, and marvel at the country's beauty accompanied by the wise deity they reveal themselves for the first time. Free Range Theatre Company presents a cast with dynamic chemistry. David Klatt endears as Ganesh, despite his cumbersome, albeit lovely, costume. Elizabeth Benedict, as Katharine, provides an energy that improves the sluggish pacing of this tender play. Poor staging does the production a disservice, particularly when Dana Kelly (as a character called Man) is stuck in the aisle maneuvering puppets, and again when he's limited to displaying only the partial profile of a detailed mask. Ganesh develops drama slowly and bypasses several comedic opportunities, which were sorely missed in this three-hour version. Through March 26 at the Phoenix Theatre, 414 Mason (at Geary), S.F. Tickets are $20; call 383-5472 or visit www.freerangetheatre.com. (Emily Forbes) Reviewed March 15.
The Tribute to Frank, Sammy, Joey & Dean. Sandy Hackett's swingin' tribute to the Rat Pack takes us back to a time when men wore tuxedos in the desert, women could be one of two things (a lady or a tramp), and Celine Dion was just a golden apple in Las Vegas' hungry eye. Frank Sinatra, Sammy Davis Jr., Joey Bishop, and Dean Martin are brought back to life by God and the talents of a quartet of impersonators for one more night of highballing at the Sands Hotel. The concert-style production, featuring a live 12-piece band, perfectly captures the spirit of a long-lost era from Johnny Edwards' (or Andy DiMino's) glossy Dean Martin pompadour to what would now be considered terribly un-PC gaffs about black Jews. These particular tribute artists aren't necessarily dead ringers for Frank and company, but if you close your eyes and listen to Tom Tiratto's silk-voiced renditions of "My Way" and "Come Fly With Me," you almost feel like you've been transported, martini in hand, to another time and place. In an open-ended run at the MarinesÕ Memorial Theatre, 609 Sutter (at Mason), S.F. Tickets are $38-70; call 771-6900 or visit www.marinesmemorialtheatre.com. (Chloe Veltman) Reviewed Aug. 24, 2005.
100 Years of Sex-Acts Exit Theatre on Taylor, 277 Taylor (at Ellis), 673-3847.
The 25th Annual Putnam County Spelling Bee Post Street Theatre, 450 Post (at Mason), 321-2900.
(The 99-Cent) Miss Saigon Willard Middle School, 2425 Stuart St. (at Regent), Berkeley.
Anna in the Tropics Lucie Stern Theater, 1305 Middlefield (at Embarcadero), Palo Alto, 650-903-6000.
Arrhythmica Exit Stage Left, 156 Eddy (between Taylor & Mason), 673-3847.
The Bartered Bride Florence Gould Theater, 34th Ave. & Clement (Palace of the Legion of Honor), 863-3330.
BATS Improv Long-Form Festival Bayfront Theater, Fort Mason, Bldg. B (Marina & Buchanan), 474-8935.
BATS: Sunday Players Fort Mason, Bldg. B, Marina & Buchanan, 474-6776.
Beach Blanket Babylon Club Fugazi, 678 Green (at Powell), 421-4222.
Beyond Therapy Shelton Theater, 533 Sutter (at Powell), 931-8385.
Big City Improv Shelton Theater, 533 Sutter (at Powell), 931-8385.
Bright Ideas The Ashby Stage, 1901 Ashby (at MLK Jr.), Berkeley, 510-841-6500.
Culture Clash's Zorro in Hell Berkeley Repertory's Thrust Stage, 2025 Addison (at Shattuck), Berkeley, 510-647-2949.
Dick 'n' Dubya Show The Marsh, 1062 Valencia (at 22nd St.), 826-5750.
Do You Want to Buy My Brain? Shotwell Studios, 3252A 19th St. (at Folsom), 289-2000.
Eyes of Babylon New Conservatory Theatre Center, 25 Van Ness (at Market), 861-8972.
GayProv Off-Market Studio, 965 Mission (at Fifth St.), 896-6477.
Golden Apple Eureka Theatre, 215 Jackson (at Front), 788-7469.
I Just Stopped by to See the Man Lorraine Hansberry Theatre, 620 Sutter (at Mason), 474-8800.
Improv Revolution Off-Market Theater, 965 Mission (at Fifth St.), 896-6477.
Juan Gelion Dances for the Sun Traveling Jewish Theatre, 470 Florida (at Mariposa), 285-8282.
Kung Fu Evangelist Dark Room Theater, 2263 Mission (at 18th St.), 401-7987.
Love at First Sight: An Improvised Romantic Comedy Off-Market Theater, 965 Mission (at Fifth St.), 896-6477.
Love, Chaos & Dinner Pier 29, Embarcadero (at Battery), 273-1620.
Love Letters Off-Market Theater, 965 Mission (at Fifth St.), 896-6477.
Love's Labour's Lost Exit Theatre, 156 Eddy (at Taylor), 673-3847.
Monday Night Improv Jam Off-Market Theater, 965 Mission (at Fifth St.), 368-9909.
Monday Night Marsh The Marsh, 1062 Valencia (at 22nd St.), 826-5750.
The Night of the Iguana Actors Theatre San Francisco, 533 Sutter (at Powell), 296-9179.
Nightingales Zeum Theater, 221 Fourth St. (at Howard), 820-3320.
Our Lady of 121st Street SF Playhouse, 536 Sutter (at Powell), 677-9596.
Peter and the Wolf Young Performers Theater, Fort Mason (Marina & Buchanan), 346-5550.
Revolving Madness Climate Theater, 285 Ninth St. (at Folsom), 863-1076.
The Rivals Geary Theater, 415 Geary (at Mason), 749-2228.
Shadow of Giants Brava Theater Center, 2781 24th St. (at York), 647-2822.
Shopping! The Musical Shelton Theater, 533 Sutter (at Powell), 931-8385.
Show Boat Herbst Theatre, 401 Van Ness (at Grove), 392-4400.
Swan Lake Orpheum Theater, 1192 Market (at Eighth St.), 512-7770.
Syndication: The Best of Independent Television Off-Market Theater, 965 Mission (at Fifth St.), 646-0610.
Teach Traveling Jewish Theatre, 470 Florida (at Mariposa), 285-8282.