We'd take you back in a New York minute: Once upon a time we were in love. Although it's been almost three years since we kissed and paraded our love all over town, I still remember your soft lips. Do you remember ours?
SF Weekly awarded us the Wammie for Best Pop Band in '99. Your constant love notes in various sections of the paper (touting our inventiveness, ingenuity, and even our sexual organs ("the gents reveal certain attributes that rightly complement their musical prowess") gave us butterflies. We felt truly loved. A month wouldn't go by without some kind of sign letting us know that "we have something special between us." There was actually a time we felt like your No. 1 Mistress. You hardly ever let anyone down your pants, so when you let us run our hands along the lines of your panties, we felt privileged. We didn't care that it was 2 a.m. or that we were both drunk, and it seemed like it would last forever. Having survived three editors and four years of high school sex (no penetration), we've seen every part of your body except the inside (we never got a column from the editor).
Maybe you never thought of us as anything more than a good time. We're not a part of this city anymore. Maybe we never were, but we'll always think of you and the masculine side of us will always be able to imagine penetration. There's been too many tears dripping down our noses for far too long. Now we're used to the salt beer we've been drinking. Our "boo-hoo-we're-so-blue binge" is over! We have to move on emotionally. We have to find love somewhere else. It won't be easy. We're older. There are more lines on our faces. Our skin has lost that "horse's nose" feel. We are far from fresh. The thought of finding a new lover scares us. We're 8 years old (that's 56 in industry years!).
Recently two Penthouse Pets called for dinner and dancing (the New York Times). We thought it was too good to be true. We talked on the phone for hours. They kept talking about sex and telling us their favorite kind of underwear. We're not telling you this to get you jealous -- although all's fair in love and war (except chemical and biological weapons). We're trying to pull on your heartstrings. You see, at the very last moment the Pets canceled the dinner engagement (big article with pictures). Our hearts sank; we recoiled. We peeled off our makeup, took off our Wonderbras, and pulled the banana out of our pants. Left in the streets of S.F. to ponder the cruelty of the hotties from NYC, we thought of you. Do you ever think of us on cold nights? Do you remember the way we touched your panties? We're fools to say this, but if you'd have us we'd come running back. We've learned a trick or two. Ever had your ears pulled just at that moment?
Remembering you always with love,
The Gun & Doll Show
We dig public transit as much as you, Matt: Contrary to Matt Smith's lament, the "transport wonks" at the Metropolitan Transportation Commission are indeed on his side ("Life Is Change," Matt Smith, Nov. 6). MTC's long-range plan commits 77 percent of the region's funding to public transit over the next 25 years, tops among all major metropolitan areas in the U.S. Conversely, we will be spending only 4 percent of total funding on road expansion, which ranks last among the same metro areas.
MTC also sponsors the extremely popular Web site www.transitinfo.org, where folks can plan their transit trips online, and in 2003 we will start rolling out the TransLink smart card that riders can use on any train, bus, or ferry in the Bay Area. Then there's our award-winning Transportation for Livable Communities (TLC) program that encourages transit-based housing projects with good bicycle and pedestrian access.
We do object to a recent court ruling requiring MTC to guarantee a certain transit ridership level by 2006, but not because we're against public transit. What we're against is a federal judge holding a public agency accountable for whether private citizens decide to ride the bus. In a free society, that is (and should be) a personal decision, not something the government can impose by fiat.
While MTC will appeal the court order, we will not diminish our long-standing financial support of public transit and our multiple efforts to make transit a more convenient and attractive option for Bay Area residents.
Executive Director, MTC