The most "alternative" Christmas dinner we ever had was a box of six powdered donuts and take-out coffee. It took place in a 7-Eleven parking lot. In Pleasanton. On a work break. But at least we were getting paid double-time and our co-worker/companion was a "recovering Mormon." We pretended to be post-modern rejectors of commercial culture and organized religion rather than pitiful and lonely outsiders. Truth is, we were all the above. If you want "alternative" without the pitiful and lonely – and you don't have to work today – you have a place to go: It's a Jewish Christmas, San Francisco. The celebrity host is Broke-Ass Stuart – he of budget-minded travel writing and the TV series Young, Broke & Beautiful – whose very name gives him alterna-cred. Screening are a number of Woody Allen films (6 p.m., 8 p.m., 10:30 p.m.) as well as a retrospective of Larry David, co-creator of Seinfeld. Food will be of the Chinese variety – which is to be expected, considering that American Jews have a tradition of eating Chinese on Christmas Day. What's slightly unexpected (yet way more interesting than Chinese food) is a game of strip-dreidel. Speaking of frontal nudity, the décor is a "Hanukkah bush," which organizer Matt Haze (who's also today's DJ) says was flown in from "the guiltiest reaches of Poland." Accompanying this are "crappy gifts for everyone." Haze says that although everyone is welcome, the event is really for the chosen people – "those who've chosen to be alienated and bored stiff when everything is closed."
Sun., Dec. 25, 5 p.m., 2011