1) Thus far, Bonds has deflected direct questions about the wealth of information contained in Game of Shadows, refusing to answer the queries of reporters at spring training unless they deal specifically with the game of baseball. Asked last week if he would read the book, a glaring Bonds snapped: "Is that a baseball question? Last time I checked, that wasn't a baseball question." If you were a reporter covering Bonds at spring training, how would you have responded?
A) "Yes, Barry, it is. It is a baseball question."
B) "OK, let me rephrase that: Have you read any good book excerpts lately?"
C) "Sorry, Barry, so sorry. Shall I toss you a softball about hitting to the opposite field?"
2) When asked at his locker how the book and the resultant media storm are affecting him, a smiling Bonds told a reporter: "I don't know. I haven't shot anyone yet, so that's pretty good. I haven't killed anyone. I haven't gone psycho." What do you make of the quote?
A) He should have added, "Yet."
B) Hmm ... does the book say he's killed anyone? And define "psycho."
C) See, no homicide. That proves he wasn't taking steroids.
3) Among the book's many revelations is that Bonds first began using what he called "the shit" after becoming envious of the media adulation directed at St. Louis Cardinal (and former Oakland A) Mark McGwire, whose shattering of the single-season home run record in 1998 brought legions of fans back to the game. According to the book, before the 1999 season, Bonds hired personal trainer Greg Anderson to become his strength and conditioning coach, and Anderson began supplying the verbally abusive Bonds with steroids. Do the details in Game of Shadows make you change your opinion of Bonds?
A) No, they confirm it.
B) Mark McGwire is white, right? Good, I can blame him.
C) Nah. He hits the ball farther on steroids. And I drive a MINI Cooper, so the home runs are all I really care to see when I come to a Giants game.
4) The San Francisco Giants, owner Peter McGowan, and General Manager Brian Sabean have received heavy criticism for failing to confront Bonds over the past seven years about the obvious changes to his body, and for refusing to answer questions about the accusations, despite strong indications they knew Anderson was a steroid dealer. Even Bonds' teammates are defensive. "I think it's crap," says outfielder Steve Finley. "Shame on those guys and Sports Illustrated for coming out with it now, with the World Baseball Classic going on. We are supposed to be answering questions about baseball, not Bonds. Barry's our teammate, and that's it. We're behind him 100 percent." What do you think of the team's response?
A) Why is anyone interviewing Steve Finley?
B) What do you expect the Giants to do? Confront their moody, raging superstar who's perverting the game? While they're simultaneously deceiving the residents of San Francisco about how our tax dollars aren't funding the new ballpark? That's just too much deception, even for a Bay Area sports franchise.
C) I agree with Finley: What right do fans have to know if the players we're paying too much money to see are a bunch of juiced-up phonies? The important thing to remember is that Barry's always been such an ideal teammate.
5) Baseball Commissioner Bud Selig says he's planning a review of the book when the full version comes out, but has so far declined to address the issue in much more detail. His office could well find itself in an awkward position if it disciplines the player who is also trying to break the all-time home run record and is the subject of an ESPN television reality show this year. What do you think Selig should do?
A) The phrase "take a long walk off a short pier" comes to mind ....
B) If I were Selig, I would immediately and unequivocally hand over all decisions and policy regarding steroids in baseball to the one man who can get this game restored: President George W. Bush. (Bonus point for adding: "OK, OK, I'm kidding. I was just thinking of the only way this scandal could be even more humiliating for the nation.")
C) Get his own reality show. It could be called The Apprentice for the Damned.
6) Bonds, however, says the all-time home run record is no longer his only goal. He says he would much rather reach the rarefied plateau of 3,000 career hits, telling reporters he'd like to "talk shit" to former San Diego Padres outfielder Tony Gwynn, already a member of the 3,000-hit club. Would you like to see Bonds earn that mark?
A) I'd like to see him talk shit to Tony Gwynn. "Hey, Tony, I took steroids to prolong my career and you didn't. Neener, neener, neener."
B) Yeah, I'd like to see him get 3,000 hits. Then I can stand and applaud with that same queasy feeling I got at my ex-wife's wedding.
C) Honestly, only, like, 700 of those hits came on steroids.
7) And finally, do you think Barry Bonds should go into the Baseball Hall of Fame?
A) Sure. He should go in, take a look around, and then get the hell out.
B) Let's wait and see if he kills anyone ... I've always felt that homicide is the measure of a man.
C) Absolutely. And it's not a question of which team's hat he'll wear, just how big they make the bust of his head -- the Pittsburgh Pirate size of his pre-steroid youth, or the swollen, egotistical mass it is now for the Giants?
How to score:
Score zero points for every "A" answer, one point for every "B," and two points for every "C."
0-6 points: We know, we know. Sometimes you wish you were into fashion instead, and didn't get angry about this stuff.
7-10 points: Can't make up your mind about Bonds, huh? Well, take heart: Neither can Bud Selig.
11-14 points: Congratulations! You're a true apologist for Barry Bonds. Now go field another mediocre team, Mr. McGowan.