The rules are simple: Do whatever it takes to obtain the following items. The first Parader to show up at the SF Weekly offices with the full list wins a handful of quaaludes, the complete back issues of Jockey Slut, and a date with SF Weekly Editor John Mecklin, who, believe it or not, loves trance music!*
"Remix Lounge," Thursday and Friday, Sept. 22-23, at Pyramind
Emeryville-based music technology magazine Remix presents two days of classes and seminars geared toward demystifying the process of making electronic music. After you've learned everything there is to know in the first hour, rip, mix, and burn your track to CD. You're a musician now!
Handsome Boy Modeling School, Friday, Sept. 23, at Club Six
Producers Prince Paul and local boy Dan the Automator comprise the kitschy hip hop lounge act Handsome Boy Modeling School. Snatch the Automator's cheesy fake mustache that he sports at HBMS shows and incorporate it into your own look. Nothing says "party" like whip-its and a mustache ride.
Afrika Bambaataa, Friday, Sept. 23, at DNA Lounge
Ex-gangbanger Bambaataa wrote the immortal hip hop anthem "Planet Rock" and founded the Afrocentric Zulu Nation as a constructive alternative to New York's street gangs. Become a card-carrying member, hippie!
"Foreplay," Friday, Sept. 23, at Space 550
Oakland-based alternative fuel activists/Brazilian funk band Bat Makumba is a highlight on this eclectic list of performers, which also includes the Mutaytor (an improvisational jam session of 25 world musicians), beat-boxer Kid Beyond, and the South Asian beats of Janaka and MC Colonel. Siphon a cup of vegetable oil out of Bat Makumba's tour bus.
Miscellaneous locations (e.g., costume shops, S/M stores, your little sister's toy chest)
Procure the following items for your Love Parade ensemble: animal-shaped backpack, assless chaps, candy necklace, neon necklace, severed-ear necklace, beer-can baseball cap, pacifier, bib, Gerber apple sauce, Super Soaker water gun (to be filled with acid-spiked Kool-Aid), dust mask, gas mask, Hannibal Lecter mask, big fuzzy leg warmers.
Parade Route: "Dance Without Borders" float
This group is projecting a global vibe, even though several of its DJs -- including DJ Icey, Edgar V., and the team of Oscar G and Ralph Falcon (aka Murk) -- are from Florida. Find Sunshine State shitkicker Baby Anne, who donned dominatrix gear on the cover of last year's electro/breakbeat mix-CD Mixtress, and ask her to beat you within an inch of your life. Extra points for bruises bigger than a breadbox.
Parade Route: "Summer Madness" float
This float is sponsored by Papas & Beer of Ensenada, Mexico. Find out once and for all what the hell "papas" are, then stuff a few in your pockets.
Parade Route: "The Unimog" float
Local promoters Space Cowboys present a float inspired by their Unimog project at Burning Man, which finds them driving a mobile sound system around Black Rock City with the word "RIPE" written in orange on their booties. Persuade one of the Cowboys to brand your ass-cheeks similarly.
Parade Route: light pole
Nope, this isn't a float. It's an actual light pole. Revelers at the original Love Parade in Berlin were known for their ability to scale high traffic signals and perch atop. Climb one along the Market Street route and fall off it. Don't forget to keep your hospital bill!
"The Official Love Parade San Francisco Afterparty," Saturday, Sept. 24, at Bill Graham Civic Auditorium
After the parade's done, the afterparty kicks into gear, featuring three stages of house, breakbeat, trance, and drum 'n' bass from some of the most famous DJs in the world, including Carl Cox, Goldie, DJ Dan, John B, Markus Schulz, and Ferry Corsten. Event capacity is an intimate 10,000, so you should have no problem finding yourself a browbeaten candy-flipper lit up on four hits of Windowpane. Convince this person he's your pet alligator and take him home with you.
*Warning: SF Weekly and its underwriters take no responsibility for any and all health or legal problems experienced by participants in the official Love Week Scavenger Hunt (LWSH), which is not a real thing, nor intended to be treated as such. While no actual prizes will be awarded, it is true that John Mecklin loves trance music.