Then everyone looks at us pityingly and changes the subject to what they're going to do after their next liquidity events, while simultaneously agreeing that using the term "liquidity event" in conversation is obnoxious.
So maybe we shouldn't have been surprised to learn that the mayor doesn't have a re-election campaign Web site. But we were definitely amused to learn that one reason for this lapse may be that it's going to be pretty tough for Brown to register, say, the domain name williebrown.com.
Because Clint Reilly already has.
Reilly's Web consultants, Globemedia, have registered a large number of domain names that could potentially have been used by rival mayoral candidates: williebrown.com, willielewisbrown.com, damayor.com, frankjordan.com, jordanformayor.com, angelaalioto.org, tomammiano.com, and so on. Some of the domain names are registered to Andy Hasse, who owns Globemedia and has also registered the domain webthevote.com, then used it, in turn, to register yet more domains.
Webmasters for the Alice B. Toklas Lesbian and Gay Democratic Club discovered Reilly's tactic when they went looking for links for their own Web site, www.alicebtoklas.org. "I think it's absolutely sleazy," says Alice B. Toklas Technology Co-Chair Scott Moore. "This guy's running for mayor talking about honest, open government?"
It costs $70 to register a domain name; Reilly, taking a drift net approach, has registered 55 of them, including terrencehallinan.com, munisucks.com, williesucks.com, fazioforda.com, quentinkopp.com, and even clintsucks.com. So that's, what, somewhere in the neighborhood of $3,800?
Reilly campaign spokesman Tom Pier confirmed that the campaign had purchased "a number" of domain names -- and they're not a bit sorry. "We felt that any technologically savvy candidate for mayor should have the good sense to have registered their names," he said. "Frankly, I'm surprised that Willie Brown, who is the mayor of San Francisco, which is adjacent to the Silicon Valley, did not register his own name."
No word on whether Brown is going to have to slink, Borsalino hat in hand, over to Reilly campaign HQ to try to buy back his good name. But if he does, he shouldn't expect any breaks from the competition.
"I mean, hello!" chortles Pier. "It's 83 days before Election Day and they're just now figuring out that they don't have a domain name?"
An (Even More) Modest Proposal
On one of those perfect San Francisco weekend summer afternoons when the fog has retreated somewhere far, far past Mile Rock and the eucalyptus leaves come pinwheeling down out of the trees and onto our freshly washed windshield, it's hard to believe this little city is the scene of so much bitterness, so much -- not to put too fine a point on it -- late-economic boom label envy. People who wear Gap pants hate people who wear Katayone Adeli pants; people who majored in philosophy hate people who majored in economics; people who eat at Chava's hate people who eat at Delfina.
So Dog Bites felt the following letter offered an interesting solution: Why not level, as it were, the social strata of the entire city, thereby ensuring a comforting uniformity of dress and thought, and protecting the right-thinking from having to be annoyed by others' Kate Spade bags and cell phones?
If Kevin Keating wants to create a chain of Yuppie Eradication Projects (kind of the Pasta Pomodoro of political street theatre), why not start where the problem started? Think big, Kevin. Instead of the North Beach Yuppie Eradication Project, focus on the northern beach head the yuppies first established in our fair city. I call, of course, for the Marina Yuppie Eradication Project.
If we can beat the yuppies in their stronghold, perhaps driving them over the Golden Gate Bridge to Marin, we can protect the southern flanks of the Mission, Potrero, Bernal Heights, and more. The best defense is a good offense.
The plan? Disrupting touch football games on the Marina Green. Paying the folks who hang out at the 16th Street BART station to spend weekends on Chestnut Street. Getting third world indigenous people to protest World Wrapps' appropriation of their cultural heritage.
I dream of a day when the 30X is packed with Marina-dwelling artists headed to their day jobs at City Lights Bookstore, instead of Marina-dwelling yuppies headed to the Transamerica Pyramid. As for the yuppies, let them ride Golden Gate Transit.
Thank you, Dog Bites, for letting me share my dream with the masses.
Nestor Makhno North
In a sort of postscript to this note, Kevin Keating -- who, we guess, would now be Nestor Makhno Central -- called Dog Bites to report an exhilarating confrontation with the Residential Builders Association's own Joe O'Donoghue. Following an anti-luxury condo demonstration at a Board of Supervisors meeting, Keating introduced himself to O'Donoghue, who "offered to settle the whole thing with me in a dark alley," claims Keating. "I told him that I didn't have a problem with my manhood, and that I would kick his ass, but only on TV and only polemically."
O'Donoghue elected not to return Dog Bites' phone call on the matter.
Up the Neighborhood
In fact, the more we think about it, the more it seems to us that Nestor Makhno North is on the right track. Some weeks back, we published a survey sent to us by the self-styled Mission Community Task Force Working Group Coalition, which asked all kinds of telling questions about "neighborhood values." Mallory Keaton, the MCTFWGC's founder, chairperson, and media relations coordinator, has since tallied the results of the survey, which, along with much of her commentary, we present here:
In regard to those questions about rich people and poor people, 90% of respondents agree that both groups spoil everything, and also that neither group really cares what the other thinks (78% on question 11; 81% on 12). While this seems like a really sad consensus, several people volunteered that they had never really identified with anyone they didn't know, rich or poor.
Several people noted that "street lunatic" (#7) was a more valid job description than "artist" (13), and one person suggested quite generously that many Mission scenesters could easily replace "artist" with "street lunatic with a clothing budget." This consciousness of other Missionaries' fashion consciousness was evident in the across-the-board resentment of "waiters cooler than me" (question #19). 93% of respondents hate service sector employees they perceive to be cooler than they are; two people offered stories of their hot new so-and-so being seduced from under their eyes by an unscrupulous waitperson.
84% of respondents found the burrito-ization of falafel (#14) to be the result of cultural imperialism and/or postmodernism, with seven respondents specifying postmodernism as opposed to cultural imperialism, and one of those noting that it couldn't be cultural imperialism because the burrito food-format has its origins outside of the U.S.
Apropos of no question in particular, one respondent took it upon him or herself to suggest a few changes in the Mission's store- and barfront landscape. One excerpt follows: "What was Clint Reilly thinking when he painted the old Leed's building [his Mission campaign HQ] in bright green and blue stripes?!? I would like to suggest that a red-and-pink veiny pattern similar to that of the candidate's nose would provide a more immediately recognizable color scheme and pattern, while also giving the building a sublime Italian marble appearance." The respondent offered Chronicle Books' best-selling Paint Recipes as a resource for this painting technique.
In conclusion, I'm sure you will see the ground-breaking importance of these survey results. The unilateral nature of the responses to any question involving hostility towards other people (rich, poor, server, etc.) is our most valuable finding. Nobody likes much of anybody (especially Don Johnson! Space prohibits details from the myriad rants against his character, appearance, and career) and that's the way we like it.
Rest assured, valuable member of the (old) media: We will proceed with the work of the MCTFWGC in light of this conclusive evidence that our insular political organization should remain just so. Nobody cares what we do; how liberating. We admire all the other insular Mission political groups who seem to have come to this conclusion long ago without having had to go to the effort of gathering community opinion.
And Dog Bites, of course, admires the MCTFWGC for its ability to accomplish its goals -- whatever they are -- without brawling with Joe O'Donoghue.
As told to Laurel Wellman
Tip Dog Bites -- especially if you're disgruntled. Phone 536-8139; fax 777-1839; e-mail email@example.com.