Citizens beware! The War on Sex is on your doorstep. You may live in the most sexually liberated city in the U.S., but that does not mean your sexual freedoms aren't at risk. In November 2012, San Francisco's Board of Supervisors approved the "Wiener Bill," which put a ban on public nudity within the city. In a world that is increasingly prudish about sexual freedoms, what can we do to keep the spirit of public sexuality alive and well in San Francisco? That's easy. Your missions, should you choose to accept them, are below.
The Hot Tubs on Van Ness
Nestled between the historic neighborhood of Russian Hill and debaucherous decadence of North Beach, you will find the urban oasis known only as the Hot Tubs. City dwellers have been chilling out and hooking up at this San Francisco hotspot since 1979.
Bring a friend, a stranger, or a lover, and act casual when you enter the lobby. Everyone knows you're there to fuck, but be discreet when you pay the nice girl behind the counter. Make your way to your rented private room, where you'll find a shower, a sauna, and a bubbling hot tub. Remove your clothes and hang them on the hooks provided. Don't put them on the floor; they will get wet and you will be sad when it is time to leave. If you wear glasses, remove those, too, as they will get foggy — and blurry vision is ideal in this situation. It's just better not to look too closely at the tile. The Hot Tubs are exceptionally clean, but certainly well-loved.
Bring lube. Water washes away your body's natural lubrication and you'll need to replace it.
Bring a bottle of water. Drink it. You will get hot and you must stay hydrated.
There is a small bed with a mattress, but don't use it. Get creative. Plan an elaborate locker room role-play scene. Relish the possibilities of the handheld shower and the hot tub jets. Don't fight the feeling that this is all a little sleazy. It is. Be into it. Give yourself permission to do something seriously filthy.
Since 2003, the masterminds of Kinky Salon, Polly Pandemonium and Scott Levkoff, have been orchestrating monthly parties run by an army of magical sex-positive volunteers. They were recently ousted from their San Francisco location in the Mission, known as Mission Control, and now host parties at rotating venues throughout the Bay Area.
Buy your tickets online at KinkySalon.com and start planning your outfit. The parties have themes like "Cowboys and Unicorns" or "Dungeons and Drag Queens" and the guests will be dressed to the nines. You will be an outcast if you do not look passably fabulous. Opt for revealing clothing that can be easily removed. Don't be caught wearing a complicated corset or a three-piece suit, because when the time comes to navigate your way through a writhing pile of naked bodies and fluids, you'll want to be able to remove and retrieve your clothes with ease.
Secure a date. This should be a trusted friend, not a random creep from the Internet. Swear an oath to each other: "I solemnly swear to be a good wingman and help you get laid if I can. I solemnly swear to come to your rescue should you get trapped in an awkward encounter with someone you're not into."
Call a cab, squeeze your date's hand, and dive right in.
Sutro Heights Park
Grab your sweetie or a stranger, and wait 'til nightfall. Wear warm clothes with easy access. Underwear is ill-advised. Drive all the way to the end of Geary Street, where the fog is densest. You will eventually find yourself standing in front of two great stone lions guarding a gate. Don't giggle too much as you pass between them and notice that these Aslan-sized beasts are complete with large stone testicles. The lions do not have a sense of humor, and you'll need to stay on their good side.
These stone sculptures were commissioned by Adolf Sutro, the former mayor of San Francisco, whose opulent mansion loomed over Ocean Beach at the turn of the 20th century. Now, all that remains is ruins. There is an eroding castle wall inside the park. Scale it. At the top there is a bench and a spectacular view of the unforgiving Pacific. Ensure you are alone, then lean over the railing and hold on tight. When you come, be as loud as you want. The wind will carry the sounds out into the waves and far beyond the Golden Gate.