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Diva Dumbdown 

Wednesday, Sep 13 2006
Xtina, Paris, Jessica, and Beyonce have all just released records. Are you up to speed on your pop pabulum?

1) A "Freakum Dress" is:

a) A song on Beyonce's new album

b) Something Bill Clinton would just rather forget about

c) The title of the new Devendra Banhart record

d) The name of next week's Project Runway episode

2) Whose current or former music mogul boyfriend would win in a fight?

a) That knob from Sum 41 that Paris blew

b) That knob Nick Lachey that Jessica humped

c) That knob Jordan Bratman that tells Xtina she's pretty

d) Jay-Z, who apparently "used to bag girls like Birkin bags," whatever that means

3) What do Scott Storch and Mark Ronson have in common?

a) They've both produced one or more tracks on one of the above diva's albums

b) They're both talentless hacks who happen to know their way around an MPC 3000

c) They've both fucked Paris Hilton

d) All of the above

4) An "Autotuner" is:

a) A girl's best friend

b) Responsible for modern Top 40 radio as we know it

c) The only way Paris and Jessica could ever make music

d) All of the above

5) Which of these movies most proves that just because you can wear a thong to the VMAs doesn't mean your mug's ready for the big screen?

a) The Pink Panther

b) Dukes of Hazzard

c) House of Wax

d) All of the above

Match the diva to how she got her start in show biz: 6) Beyonce; 7) Jessica; 8) Xtina; 9) Paris.

a) Touring the Christian Youth Conference circuit (yes, such circuit exists)

b) Performing with her then-group Girl's Tyme on Star Search

c) Appearing on The Mickey Mouse Club

d) Fucking some guy

Answers: 1) a; 2) b; 3) d; 4) d; 5) d; 6) b; 7) a; 8) c; 9) d.

About The Author

Garrett Kamps


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