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Harmon Leon 

News, Infiltrator

Dieter Gone Wild

It will be like a kid in an adult candy shop! This is every red-blooded male's dream: being in a room full of porn stars. My mission: infiltrating the FOXE (Fans of X-rated Entertainment) Awards, held at a large nightclub…
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News, Infiltrator

Moonbat Is on the Air

You have to listen for the love on those right-wing talk radio shows where the hosts end up screaming at their invited guests like an angry child with a broken Xbox on Christmas morning. But there is a method to…
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News, Infiltrator

Hate Mail Mon Amour

Having placed in my mouth a sufficient amount of a meatball Hot Pocket for three minutes' chewing, I withdrew my powers of sensual perception and retired into the privacy of my mind, contemplating where the hell did the year go?…
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News, Infiltrator

The Ex Games

Before I tell you how I tracked down all my ex-girlfriends of the past three years -- randomly and unexpectedly calling them up in order to interview them about me! -- it's best I first speak of my distaste for…
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News, Infiltrator The Manly Men of God

The Manly Men of God

The first thing one notices when walking toward HP Pavilion in San Jose is males -- nothing but big groups of men. Not sissy-boy men, but manly men. The kind who go to big sporting events and watch the playoff…
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News, Infiltrator

Hire Me!

My goal: to see if I can be hired for a job using a fake résumé. Also to steal pens during each interview! Preparation: 1 stack of fake résumés 1 white shirt 1 tie 1 pseudonym (Willis Drummond-Willis from Diff'rent…
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News, Infiltrator What Part of "Wait Until Marriage" Don't You Understand!

What Part of "Wait Until Marriage" Don't You Understand!

They solved it. Problem solved. The way to stop teen pregnancy and the spread of sexually transmitted diseases is for teens simply not to have sex. It's just that easy. Teen abstinence is our great President George W. Bush's favorite…
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News, Infiltrator

Send in the Clones

The Koreans are kicking our ass. That's right, we are no longer No. 1 when it comes to pet cloning. South Korea has just cloned the world's first dog. It goes by the name Snuppy. Way to go Korea! The…
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News, Infiltrator

Headbanging for Jesus!

It's always been a dream of mine to get booked on a Christian talk show posing as a guy who fronts a Christian speed-metal band. Thank Jesus -- my prayers are answered. I come across this: The show Miracles Today…
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News, Infiltrator My Evening With Amber Frey

My Evening With Amber Frey

Oh my God! She's coming! She's really coming for an entire evening. An evening with Amber Frey!! Didn't you hear me for Christ's sake? It's AN EVENING WITH AMBER FREY!!! No seriously. The Learning Annex (purveyors of "Stop Dreaming &…
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News, Infiltrator

World Recruiting Championships: Scientology Versus Crunch Gym

Pop quiz hotshot: Which has more assertive membership tactics, Crunch Gym or the Church of Scientology? Hmmm, I wonder. So I put Crunch against Scientology in a head-to-head competition. I know my life is lacking a little something right now.…
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News, Infiltrator

Aliens Beware!

I've seen the summer blockbuster and Tom Cruise vehicle War of the Worlds. Let me tell ya, space aliens are out there, ready to swoop down on Earth, for the sole purpose of: Putting us humans in human space zoos.…
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News, Infiltrator

A Huntin' and a Fishin' -- a Memoir!

I'm blocked. Blocked up. My well has runneth dry. I'm flat out of ideas for my column. What is an Infiltrator to do?! Should I go undercover and infiltrate the subculture of cobblers at a cobbler convention? Maybe pretend I'm…
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News, Infiltrator The Minuteman's  15 Minutes of Fame (Minute 14.5)

The Minuteman's 15 Minutes of Fame (Minute 14.5)

In front of a flapping American flag, screaming into the microphone, a hard-ass fireman from Southern California is angry. No, let's say he's foaming-mouthed pissed off. He directs his attention to the press, evincing even more passionate disgust than the…
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News, Infiltrator Bullshitting the <i>Lie Detector</i>

Bullshitting the Lie Detector

This ad appears on Craigslist: Has your parole officer accused you of doing something you haven't done? Could this put you back in jail? Then we want to help. Call us and we'll clear your name. We've got a show…
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News, Infiltrator

Save the Cute Animals!

A good argument in support of vegetarians, vegans, and animal rights protest groups is: How come it's OK to kill and eat an animal, but it's not OK to, well, fuck an animal? Think about it. Given the choice, I…
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News, Infiltrator

Nudespotting

Beneath our clothes, we are all nude. Each citizen encountered is, deep down, a potential nude person to be viewed. I'm not kidding! With that potential in mind, I conclude that there's a lot of opportunity to encounter naked people…
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News, Infiltrator

German Heat!

In Hollywood, it's all about HEAT! Generating an industry buzz in turn creates HEAT, and most important, HYPE. Even for fake German comedians. On the whole, Hollywood is an emperor's-new-clothes town. It's a town full of moronic people who can't…
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News, Infiltrator Getting Rich the American Way -- Quick

Getting Rich the American Way -- Quick

Wow, the cockroaches really came out from under the refrigerator with that last story ("My Dinner at Applebee's With White Supremacists!," Feb. 23). Props to the white supremacists. On their Web site, they took a picture of me from a…
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News, Infiltrator Welcome to the Valley

Welcome to the Valley

Editor's note: The following story is rated PG-13 for language and sexual content. Those under 18 must read this while accompanied by a parent or legal guardian. When I was but a little kid, I once asked my dad how…
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