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Monday, November 16, 2015

A Dog-Crap-Eating Tortoise and Other Highlights from GQ's Profile of Guy Fieri

Posted By on Mon, Nov 16, 2015 at 2:30 PM

  • GQ

Santa Rosa’s own Guy Fieri is the subject of a bananas GQ profile. Drew Magary hung out with Fieri, getting a little sloshed on the the celeb chef’s own wine. (One paragraph reads like a descent into gonzo madness, tinged with that curious epiphany journalists get upon realizing they really like someone they assumed they'd hate.) Here are the highlights.

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Wednesday, August 12, 2015

A Kickstarter to Give You the Sadz: the Buddy Bottle

Posted By on Wed, Aug 12, 2015 at 12:30 PM

These will all kill you! - QUIETMIKE.ORG
  • These will all kill you!

Today in things that make us despair: the Buddy Bottle, “the first Multi-User water bottle.” It’s a crowdfunding campaign that seeks to develop and market a water bottle with two chambers and spouts, so that people may share their water without feeling like they’re going to catch someone else’s cooties.

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Monday, June 22, 2015

Report From the Fancy McDonald's on Sutter

Posted By on Mon, Jun 22, 2015 at 1:15 PM

  • Peter Lawrence Kane

When the Business Times profiled the Union Square McDonald’s that people don’t always realize is a McDonald’s, I was intrigued. Seeing as we’re about to get that upscale Taco Bell that serves alcohol, it’s possible we’re in a true fancy fast food boomlet. This McDonald’s uses a Create Your Taste system to automate burger ordering, and there is no sign of Grimace or the Fry Kids, and no Playspace with a ball pit. I ate there, around 4 p.m. on Friday afternoon. The fries and jalapeño burger were the first thing I consumed under the metaphorical Golden Arches in at least eight or 10 years, so any comparisons I might make date to “My Humps” and “Hollaback Girl.” But even by the standards of the hipster McDonald’s on 24th and Mission, seeing a big artwork that spells out “LOVE” was intense.

And they were playing James Taylor, the entire time.

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Thursday, June 11, 2015

Soma's Getting a Fancy Pants Taco Bell

Posted By on Thu, Jun 11, 2015 at 12:09 PM

Look at the Taco Bell of tomorrow, with its distressed plank flooring and color splashes! - TACO BELL
  • Taco Bell
  • Look at the Taco Bell of tomorrow, with its distressed plank flooring and color splashes!

In the somewhat underrated 1993 sci-fi movie Demolition Man — in which cryogenically imprisoned super-villain Wesley Snipes gets defrosted and runs amok in a utopian “San Angeles” of 2032, requiring grizzled, falsely convicted LAPD officer Sylvester Stallone to thaw out and capture him — one of the jokes is about how “now all restaurants are now Taco Bell.”

That’s according to Sandra Bullock’s character, spoken as white-gloved valets welcome patrons to the upscale dining establishment, where a pianist sings commercial jingles as snooty, well-dressed guests sip bubbles from metallic flutes. 

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Wednesday, June 10, 2015

Pliny the Half Pint?

Posted By on Wed, Jun 10, 2015 at 8:00 AM

  • Sift Dessert Bar

Updated: Pliny the Half Pint will be available only at SIFT's San Francisco and Santa Rosa locations.

If you're a serious beer lover, you've probably thirsted after or waited on line for Pliny the Younger, Russian River Brewing Company's impossible-to-track down seasonal triple IPA that's like a combination white-tailed woodpecker sighting slash royal pain in the butt for people who don't want to queue for eight hours in Santa Rosa in February. (Certain San Francisco beer bars, like Toronado or Monk's Kettle, can get their hands on a keg.)

Sour over having to wait another eight months or so for its return? Well, you can console yourself — partially, maybe — with the news that Russian River will debut a Pliny the Half Pint parfait at the SF and Santa Rosa locations of Sift Dessert Bar, starting June 17 and running through the 21st (or until shelves are bare).

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Friday, May 22, 2015

Friday Afternoon Merriment: Oh Shit, It's Your Birthday

Posted By on Fri, May 22, 2015 at 3:02 PM


Every year for my birthday, I cook brunch for about 75 people and one thing always goes wrong. Either my dog eats a pot cookie or I can’t find the heels I want to wear or my or a fragment of eggshell gets baked into a frittata. Problems!

As a reality check about those minor woes, a Levittown, Pa. Sweet Sixteen got ruined by poop falling out of the sky, quite likely from one of five jetliners that a guest learned . We’re talking dookie from the sky, feces from 35,000 feet, chemtrails of caca from a commercial craft. While most partygoers were able to dive under a canopy to shield themselves from a stratospheric soiling, this incident was even worse than the Spider Rain that afflicted Australia the other day, although not as bad as the main plot point in Donnie Darko.

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Thursday, April 23, 2015

We Ate at the SPAM Truck, (Maybe) So That You Don't Have To

Posted By on Thu, Apr 23, 2015 at 2:02 PM

  • Peter Lawrence Kane

You have only a couple of hours to ditch whatever it is you're doing and visit the SPAM Truck, which is parked behind the stadium on Third Street near Mission Creek until 4 p.m. today. Although they are only giving out samples during today's Giants game, making the trek was actually way more fun that I would ever have thought. If you miss it — and if you do, you also miss the opportunity to have your picture taken while wearing a SPAM can costume and another pic with the wuvable knight mascot — you can also catch the truck at Safeway at Westlake Plaza in Daly City tomorrow (Friday, April 24) or nab it on its visit to Pier 39 over the weekend. After that, it's going to Denver.

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Thursday, April 16, 2015

That Sizzler Ad: A Close Reading of the Text

Posted By on Thu, Apr 16, 2015 at 11:00 AM


When I was eight, nine, and ten years old, I had my birthday dinners at Sizzler, where no one was going to stop me from eating a soft-serve appetizer and canned peaches in heavy syrup as an entrée. Years later, I asked my mother what the hell would possess her to take us to Sizzler.

“It was cheap and you kids liked it,” she said, exhaling from a puff on her Merit Ultra Light 100. (That Sizzler, in Floral Park, New York, finally closed its doors at the nadir of the recession.)

Suddenly, Sizzler's gone viral, and it's not because somebody disregarded the sneeze guard. It's because of an absurd promo that depicts lunch at Sizzler in such a light that it looks almost like a requirement for U.S. citizenship, or a step on the Noble Eight-fold Path to Enlightenment.

Just the idea that people once had the attention span to watch a commercial that lasts almost five full minutes tells you that 1991 was a very different time. It opens with a dog catching a Frisbee somewhere in the Heartland, and goes on to nail all the Morning Again in America tropes that give you all the feels: Women in hardhats holding blueprints, a cowboy and his cowgirl, a sea captain, a little girl hitting a line drive, cusp-of-retirement joggers, a man scratching his dog behind the ears, and a guy in a suit closing the deal on a very large cell phone outside his Mercedes.

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Thursday, January 8, 2015

Stop Ordering Taco Bell From Postmates, San Francisco

Posted By on Thu, Jan 8, 2015 at 4:58 PM

Taco Bell: just stop. - FLICKER/JEEPERSMEDIA
A list landed in my inbox today from Postmates, the app that lets you hire your fellow citizens to pick up takeout for you at pretty much every restaurant in the city. The list was of the  top places that San Franciscans ordered delivery from in 2014.

It's a fine list, as these things go, heavy on the Mexican food as to be expected in the city. I was pleased to see how many people are ordering Bob's Donuts for delivery. There is one item on the list that is inexcusable, however. Why the hell is Taco Bell on there?

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Thursday, December 4, 2014

Here's the Condom Cookbook You Never Wanted

Posted By on Thu, Dec 4, 2014 at 2:29 PM


You know how some people can be sooo hard to shop for? Well, Spoon & Tamago has found the ultimate gift for the condom enthusiast in your life: Japan's new condom cookbook, which was written to raise awareness about protected sex.

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  • clipping at Brava Theater Sept. 11
    Sub Pop recording artists 'clipping.' brought their brand of noise-driven experimental hip hop to the closing night of 2016's San Francisco Electronic Music Fest this past Sunday. The packed Brava Theater hosted an initially seated crowd that ended the night jumping and dancing against the front of the stage. The trio performed a set focused on their recently released Sci-Fi Horror concept album, 'Splendor & Misery', then delved into their dancier and more aggressive back catalogue, and recent single 'Wriggle'. Opening performances included local experimental electronic duo 'Tujurikkuja' and computer music artist 'Madalyn Merkey.'"