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Wednesday, May 30, 2012

You Can Watch the Food Network a Full Day and Only See Five Shows

Posted By on Wed, May 30, 2012 at 2:15 PM

click to enlarge The kind of thing you see again and again if you watch Food Network
  • The kind of thing you see again and again if you watch Food Network

Each week, we take a quick, cautious look at what's on going with food TV. This week we review Monday, airing Monday on the Food Network.

Most cable channels can't withstand scrutiny. They're good to catch a quick show like Tommy Lee Goes to College but stay too long and the bottom drops out and you're staring horrified into the gummy maw of lobotimal programming. We wondered if the Food Network was the same and figured it was. Still, we decided to sit through and review Monday.

6:30 a.m. Bobby Flay's Barbecue Addiction

Monday starts promising with Bobby Flay, the perfect person to gently nudge you off your coma if you've stayed up all night on accident. He's going to tell you all about barbecue, gas, and charcoal. He's going to direct your gaze to the coals. He's going to flash that Irish smile that makes women of a certain age flatline and ineffectual men damn his prowess at the grill. With his calm, sure hand on the tiller of the boat driving through the stormy seas of what looks to be your incredibly hungover day, he's going to see you through. Are you feeling better? TURN OFF THE TV NOW.

7 a.m. Restaurant: Impossible You're toast. Now you're going to have to watch Chef Robert Irvine burst a neck vein trying to get the macaroni out in time ... wait, this isn't Dinner: Impossible? This is a new show about redoing restaurants with a box of carpet scraps and 50 bucks? Crap! Steroids! In any case, we like Robert Irvine. We like how he got in trouble on his resume a while back, saying he cooked for six presidents and three kings when he had just made Old Garbage Joe at the community center a bag of rice. We like how FN fired him then gave him his old job back and then some. We like how jacked up he is, swole, his biceps like casaba melons. We don't really like any of these things. Notably, this is where the Food Network programming on this Monday starts to crack ... 8 a.m. Restaurant: Impossible and 9 a.m. Restaurant: Impossible shatter 10 a.m. Restaurant: Impossible into 11 a.m. Restaurant: Impossible a Noon. Restaurant: Impossible million 1 p.m. Restaurant: Impossible little 2 p.m. Restaurant: Impossible WTFs. 3 p.m. Diners, Drive-ins and Dives Rise and shine, assholes! Because now we have Guy "Fuck You, Pay Me" Fieri coming down for the third show of the day after, what, eight hours of programming? We have nothing against Guy Fieri when he's bringing us a Bitchen Blogurt at one of his ¡funland restaurantos! like Johnny Garlics (four locations) or Tex Wasabi's (two locations), but ... oh, forget it. To be honest, we just don't have it in us to insult Fieri right now after New York Magazine entered the Fieri-bashing field in last week's Approval Matrix. "Guy Fieri, a man so irritating he renders a show about delicious diner food unwatchable, is opening a three-story restaurant in Times Square." Such incomparable wit. For those of you still watching, keep calm, DDiD is only a half hour, and then you'll slap yourself a few times and shake it out and ... 3:30 p.m. Diners, Drive-ins and Dives why 4 p.m. Diners, Drive-ins and Dives hast 4:30 p.m. Diners, Drive-ins and Dives thou 5 p.m. Diners, Drive-ins and Dives forsaken 5:30 p.m. Diners, Drive-ins and Dives me? 6 p.m. Invention Hunters Okay, he's gone for the moment. Let's rally. Invention Hunters is a new show about people inventing things and trying to get the Food Network to give them money. This is the right area for the Food Network, and they should keep moving in this direction, hard, with a full slate of shows. If you've ever wondered about the fascinating stories behind those kitchen gadgets on late-night TV commercial blocks, look no further than the Food Network. 6:30 p.m. Diners, Drive-ins and Dives Soylent Green 7 p.m. Diners, Drive-ins and Dives is 7:30 p.m. Diners, Drive-ins and Dives people! 8 p.m. Mystery Diners A third show, and here it is only dinnertime. Mystery Diners shares DNA with Invention Hunters in that it's a new show that doesn't seem to know what it is doing on the Food Network but hell if it isn't going to use the bathroom a few times before it gets kicked out. The FN is really making a push into these sorts of reality shows because it heard reality was hot. When it ends you're going to wonder if anybody showed you how to cook anything on this Food Network show and you're going to sit there with your brain turning and ... 8:30 p.m. Diners, Drive-ins and Dives turning in the widening 9 p.m. Invention Hunters gyre 9:30 p.m. Diners, Drive-ins and Dives the falcon cannot hear 10 p.m. Diners, Drive-ins and Dives the falconer 10:30 p.m. Diners, Drive-ins and Dives things fall apart 11 p.m. Mystery Diners the center 11:30 p.m. Diners, Drive-ins and Dives cannot Midnight: Diners, Drive-ins and Dives hold. 12:30 a.m. Diners, Drive-ins and Dives Winterfell! 1 a.m.: Chef Hunter For the past three months, the FN's swan song on Monday was The Private Chefs of Beverly Hills, whose title is so evocative we couldn't bring oursevles to actually watch the show and be heartbroken. Now the Monday close is Chef Hunter. It's a strong title. If we hadn't already reviewed it we would never watch it either. Monday: C- Previously, Michael Leaverton watched:

Invention Hunters, which generated much amusing comment-thread anger Cupcake Wars Trisha Country Kitchen

Meat Men Easter Unwrapped

From the Kitchen of ...

That Time Rachael Ray Pretended to Eat in San Francisco Restaurants

The Donatella Project

The Sandwich King
The Worst Cooks in America

Food Hoarders 

Rachel vs. Guy Celebrity Cook-Off

The Ice-Carving Show that the Food Network Somehow Ruins 

The Show Paula Deen's Kid Was Given Because His Mom Makes Terrible Food

Bama Glama, the show all Alabama loves to fight over in comment threads

Guy Fieri's Weird Man Fort

Mystery Diners

Food Jammers

Have Cake, Will Travel

Chef Hunter

Baron Ambrosia

Sweet Genius

Best Thing I Ever Made

Sandra Lee's Hard-Drinkin' Halloween Special of Madness 

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Michael Leaverton


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