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Wednesday, May 25, 2011

10 Reasons You Can't Be a Professional Chef (Even if You Make Really, Really Good Lasagna)

Posted By on Wed, May 25, 2011 at 10:06 AM

  • Enjoy those thumbs. They'll be gone within six months.

You're slowly simmering a marinara, a glass of red wine perched nearby, an episode of This American Life softly droning in the background, when the thought strikes you: I could do this for a living. Drop out of the rat race, spend a couple of semesters in cooking school, and make it as a pro chef.

Think again, champ. Here's why most people, including you, aren't cut out for a life working in the kitchen.

click to enlarge While you dream of murder, your shadow just wants to make a nice bouillabaisse.
  • While you dream of murder, your shadow just wants to make a nice bouillabaisse.

1. You're terrible at time management. If you can't even time it so that your rice and stir-fry are done at the same time, can you imagine having four ovens, 10 burners, and two blenders going all at once? Of course you can't. And look at those tickets piling up. Your only hope of getting out of here is if all the customers leave. Oh look, they're doing just that!

2. You still have mercy in your soul. You don't have the stones needed to send home your spare line cooks and waiters on a slow night. What we're trying to say here is: you have a heart, and it's still working. Guess who else had a heart? Every broke motherfucker ever.

3. Your sense of humor isn't disgusting enough. Things get nasty in the kitchen. Like, 120 Days of Sodom nasty. If joking about itty-tay ucking-fay a icken-chay reast-bay is too much, perhaps working at a preschool is more your speed.

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Laura Beck


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