Like complaining about people on welfare while collecting unemployment yourself, eating 99-cent double-bacon cheeseburgers while voting down health care, shopping at Costco is one of our God-Given Rights in the country where it's easier to buy bullets than wine. The entire world views us as materialistic jerks, so why not own it?
But while a trip to Costco should leave you feeling invigorated, punching the air and screaming "America! What a country!", even for the Realest of Real Americans, the experience can be overwhelming: carts as big as Volvos, human beings clawing each other for the last sample of Entenmann's, and lines that stretch all the way to the next closest Costco. However, there is one way to get your 70-pound tub of Grey Poupon and eat it, too: SHOP HIGH. Follow these tips for making your next trip to Costco the most delightful ever.
First things first, you must acquire a membership card. DO NOT BE INTIMIDATED. This isn't Skull and Bones; anyone can get in. You just need about $50 and a winning attitude. You should be so fucked up that you have both.
Once that's accomplished, grab a shopping cart. And by grab a shopping cart, we mean start pumping iron now so you're able to push that behemoth. Seriously, the thing could serve as a spacious summer home for the Klumps.
The first area you're gonna hit is electronics. What you wanna do here is find the biggest TV, change the channel to the Food Network, and just relax for three to four hours; whatever feels right. When you grow tired of watching Paula Deen eat sticks of butter, it's time to move on.
Now you're in the appliances.Everything here is SO FUCKING AWESOME AND YOU NEED ALL OF IT. Put whatever you want in your cart — it's designed to hold the contents of the entire store so there's no way you can fill it. This is also a good time to start recklessly rolling it into other shoppers. They'll be doing it to you, too, so obviously this is a fun game you can all enjoy.
As you enter the bakery section, be wary. Between these doughy walls lie the secrets of the universe. In fact, they're definitely baked into one of those sheet cakes the size of Texas, so buy as many as possible because you're a fucking scientist. Also: FROSTING! Next, throw 55 loaves of Semifreddi's ciabatta (smallest quantity available) in your cart and let's roll!
You've made it to the books and music section! Here, you can buy any of Glenn Beck's latest for pennies on the dollar. This is also the place to fulfill any of your Dan Brown and Tyler Perry needs—essentially the same one.
Now it's on to the samples. Slow your roll, it's time to strategize. When sober, getting to the front of any given samples line often involves a fistfight or a heart attack (no biggie, there's an ER somewhere in the back of this place). However, when stoned out of your gourd, it becomes a study in human evolution. You'll wonder, "How did that lady's nails get so long?" as she claws somebody's eyes out. And know that the person right in front of you is going to take the last five samples for her "grandchildren" who are "somewhere else in the store." Whatever, you've got all day for the Samples Grandma to microwave up another Stouffer's Football-Team-Size™ lasagna. In the meantime, vultures will begin to circle, trying to steal your rightful place at the front of the pack. Now is the time to turn mean-high and tell them to back the fuck off or you'll eat their faces. But if you talk the big talk, be prepared to administer street justice; you will probably lose a limb. Good thing you're high!
Now you're definitely ready for the booze. Get ready to cut down on your water bill, baby, because you're replacing it with vodka! I'm talking shower and toilet use, too — it's too cheap (and sanitizing) not to!
Next, breeze through the rest of the store and grab 2,000 packs of Twizzlers and 50-pound tubs of mayonnaise. After all, End of Days is just around the corner (2012!) so it just makes sense to live now. Who cares if all you have to eat after the apocalypse is Twizzler-and-mayo sandwiches? That shit will take you through the dawn of the New Age. Also, then you can be the asshole who sells your neighbors Twizzler-mayo sandwiches at insanely marked-up prices.
Now, time to push Bessie (you've been here so long, your cart's family) into the shortest line possible. Good luck with that. Better settle in for a long winter's nap: These lines involve the passage of irretrievable time. Grandpa Moses over there? He got here on his 30th birthday. He's missed his son's college graduation because he was trying to buy 90 dozen Dixie cups for the same son's fourth birthday party. IT HAPPENED. Your experience here is what you make it; you can start and end long-term relationships, or you can go insane and ditch the line in favor of a new life in the camping equipment section.
When you finally check out, be prepared with your Costco card and cash because I know you don't have American Express. Next, they'll pack your goods into several refrigerator boxes and you'll be on your way. BUT FIRST! Stop by the food court and get 50 delicious churros to go. It'll only set you back about $5, or $3 if you also buy a Coke that's the size of an aquarium — AN AQUARIUM FOR A SHARK.
On the seventh night, when you make it back to the parking lot, you will spend several hours searching for your car. By this time you'll be sober and the Blue Steel face you made for your membership card photo won't seem so hilarious. When you find your car, brush off the layer of dust and get ready for one of your several trips home before your family calls the authorities to report a missing person.
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