Man and Beast: A cat was blamed for a crime last week in Bryan, Texas -- along with a turtle, squirrel, and tree branch. The cat was blamed for a wreck by the drunk driver who actually caused the wreck. "Get your shit together man, it's stories like these that make people hate Texas," said the cat (undoubtedly). Allegations that this atypically organic dispute is a publicity stunt on behalf of officials to deny the existence of global warming are still under investigation.
Local Cat Crime: Much like when Cruella de Ville, that lithe and fashion-forward Disney villainess sought to skin puppies for coats, this unfortunate news item tells of the cat torturers who live in our midst. An Oakland lawyer "rescued" 93 cats and kept them in her home until police discovered that "sixteen of the cats were so sick and malnourished that they had to be put down." This woman gives a bad name to all kind, hardworking cat ladies.
On the national level: A cat thrown from a Savannah bridge "tall enough to allow yachts and sailboats to pass under it" survived after a rescue by Marine Patrol. While it is tempting to ape the actions of cinema's funniest would-be-cat-killer, Edgar of The Aristocats, let us remind you: We've watched The Aristocats. We knew Edgar. Edgar was a friend of ours. Cat haters, you're no Edgar.
OK, Indianapolis: Cat comes home after missing for years and mistaken for goat . Yeah, we're just going to let that sink in.
Ke$ha Apologizes for Being Good Cat Cult Leader: Never apologize for your pussy, we say. The singer's plan to start a cult for people who "like to be cats or play with cats or play with cat toys" will welcome only those brave enough to consume cat litter mixed with glitter.
Cats of the Internet: This week the notorious "Grumpy Cat," reportedly a six-figure earner, deigned to appear for a "two-hour autograph signing session." When asked about her relationship to Grumpy Cat, Tabitha Bundeson reportedly remarked, "I am Grump Cat's human. She owns me." Amen to that. In other adjectivally-prefixed cat news, Sad Cat of New Orleans looks to become the internet's newest feline darling. Comment below if you think this will affect the release of Grumpy Cat's new line of coffee drinks.
As Cool as a Cat: The San Francisco SPCA offers some helpful tips for keeping your cat comfortable during July, including the fact that anyone who set off a firework near their cat is going to burn in Cat Hell, a cat refuse pit where, Tantalus-like, catnip is always just out of reach. So, too late for you if you did that, but for everyone else redemption awaits in the form of cool asphalt and rolled-down windows.
Lastly, a strangely detailed story of cat loss and recovery at the hands of two separate reporters leaves the internet wondering: When will journalists give up their anti-intellectual and, frankly, bizarre habit of covering any and all stories that relate to cats?
Here at SF Weekly we would never stoop so low for attention.
For local and international cat news, this has been The Exhikittenist.