Think you know everything there is to be known about female orgasms? Well think again 'cause you don't know clit.
Approximately 1,500 people gathered this weekend in Oakland for the OMXperience (OMX), a three-day orgasmic mediation (OM) conference that specializes in all things lady business. Cliterally.
Men and women, young and old, coupled and single alike left all their preconceived ideas on female sexuality at the doors of the Oakland Scottish Rite Center and entered what is quite possibly America's most energetic conference this side of Comic-Con. There'd be no stroke of the ego at this retreat, but rather a stroke of the clitoris for 15 minutes at a time.
For those unfamiliar with OM, it is a meditation practice akin to yoga that focuses primarily on the clitoris and its overall turn-on. It's meant to improve sexual vitality and ultimately serve as a connection between both partners.
At this point, some of you might think that OM is just a highfalutin term for glorified masturbation and fingering. That's not the case, as pointed out by OM founder Nicole Daedone during her live demonstration Friday night on fellow instructor Justine Dawson before a crowd of hundreds. Daedone stressed that OM is not sexual and it's not foreplay but solely about the connection. To say that things got operatic from that point on is an understatement. As described by Daedone herself, she played Dawson's clitoris like a fiddle. For those in the audience, it was more like Yo-Yo Ma going apeshit on his cello while covering Metallica. And with that image now firmly implanted, scroll below to learn the fundamentals of OM.
1. Three's a crowd.
The practice of OM is intended for groups of two. One is the stroker and the other is the strokee.
2. Build a nest.
No, seriously though. Create for her what's called a "nest." It should include a mat or blanket, several pillows with a firm cushion, hand towel, gloves, lube and a timer.
3. Clip your fingernails, keep your clothes on and, for once, 15 minutes will do just fine.
The above is primarily intended for strokers. A person with long fingernails, especially on the index finger, is clearly not ready to OM. Ladies on the other end need only be naked from waist to knees. Remember strokers, this isn't an exercise in finger endurance. Keep it at 15 minutes and be gentle. Stroke no harder than you would your eyelid.
4. Play her clitoris like Carlos Santana would play an electric guitar.
Forget the fiddle. Daedone said to imagine Santana's skillful fingers while stroking the clitoris. It's supposed to feel like a surge from an electric socket. Consult below for a reminder.
For all else, just reference this how-to video so that way we can get to the good stuff.
Here's what SF Weekly learned about OM and its devotees this weekend.
1. OMers have a sense of humor.
What better way to break the hymen -- oops... ice, we meant ice -- than to tell a few jokes at the start of the conference? Here's a gem: What do a clitoris, an anniversary, and a toilet have in common? Men always miss them.
2. OMers love to party.
They especially love hip-hop as evidenced by their soundtrack of choice right before the live OM demonstration which found all attendees dance to the beat of "In da Club" by 50 Cent and "99 Problems" by Jay-Z. It's only appropriate that earlier in the OM how-to lecture Lady Gaga's duet with R. Kelly "Do What U Want" played as the newbies took their seats. However, in a nod to the lady-on-lady demonstration, here's Gaga's performance with Christina Aguilera. Talk about a connection.
3. OMers hate flowers.
Not really but they certainly don't appreciate having a woman's vagina described as such. They prefer something like," Wow. Your outer labia sure was plump during that last OM, so much so that beads of ejaculate formed around the hood as your engorged clitoris poked out and radiated a purplish glow." Now that's a pick-up line.
4. OMers hate skinny jeans.
That just means you have to arrive 10 minutes earlier to the practice in order to shimmy out of those jeans 'cause the start of a 15-minute session literally means finger on clitoris.
And finally, we wouldn't fulfill our journalistic duties if we didn't provide you with some food for thought. If OMX taught us anything is that female sexuality is quite complex. The following is a guide to a few things vagina currently currently on display in San Francisco.
1. Nymphomaniac Vol. II opens Friday at the Landmark Embarcadero.
Provocateur Lars von Trier concludes his sexually explicit magnum opus with part two of his heroine's epic tale of her insatiable libido.. We found part one to be surprisingly funny but there's no telling what's in store for the finale especially from a director who doesn't quite believe in happy endings.
2. Georgia O'Keeffe exhibit at the deYoung.
True, her paintings were primarily of huge, blossoming flowers, but regardless, O'Keeffe is widely regarded as foremother of the feminist art movement precisely for her depictions of female iconography and "vagtastic" flower paintings. Check out her legendary work, OMers and other vaginal enthusiasts.
3. Venus in Fur at the American Conservatory Theater.
David Ives' Tony-award winning hit play makes its San Francisco debut at ACT and promises to be an arousing exploration of BDSM, power exchange and gender roles. It's also one of the best female roles to come along in recent memory.
And finally, for real this time, SF Weekly has compiled a list of history's most famous index fingers in no particular order because why not. After all, you can't OM without it.
1. E.T. the Extra Terrestrial
2. "The Creation of Adam" by Leonardo da Vinci
3. Blake Shelton's pick-me finger on The Voice.
Wife Miranda Lambert must be one lucky lady.
4. Uncle Sam wants you to OM.
Honorable mentions for non-index or partial index finger users go to Richard "Tricky Dick" Nixon, Dr. Evil and, of course, Sparky the Choreographer aka spirit fingers from Bring It On.
Click here for more information on OM and its San Francisco-based headquarters, OneTaste.