Did you know August is Anal Sex Month? That's right, while fisting gets a mere day, anal sex gets an entire, glorious month. Stand aside Asthma Awareness Month (or should we say bend over? Sorry!), it's time to take a ride on the Dirty Caboose.
Since it's August 3, we're behind (sorry) in breaking this breaking news to you. But (sorry) we felt we'd be remiss not to tell you about the unofficial San Francisco holiday that celebrates backdoor knocking.
We think about anal sex fairly often. Partially because our Smart phone always tries to autocorrect "texting" with "rectum," but also because this is San Francisco. We believe in fairness. And is there a more equal opportunity orifice than the asshole? We think not. We've also, (unfortunately?) seen some pretty strange anal sex toys in our time, and in the spirit of giving, we'd like to share our top six, all-time WTF toys.
Without further a doo-doo:
The George Bush Butt Plug
After eight years of getting fucked by Dubya's policies, one sex toy maker decided to, uh, poke fun at the former President. Witness the George Bush Butt Plug, which reads: "This President will really fuck you up the butt. You're already familiar with the sensation, so why not REALLY FEEL IT with our exclusive Presidential Pooper Plug."
Runner-up prize goes to the Baby Jesus Butt Plug, which is as horrifying as it sounds. From the website: "Use him as the ultimate pacifier or make Baby Jesus the centerpiece of your magnificent Dildo Creche."
The EZ Rider Ball with Plug
Don't get us wrong, we love multitasking! In fact, we're eating a burrito as we type this. But we draw the line when it comes to masturbating while doing jazzercise aerobics. Best product quote: "Buy two and host an unforgettable relay race!"
This is a pinecone-shaped butt plug ... for those who love the great outdoors but are too uppity to hump trees like the rest of us. Seriously, we have no idea who would buy this. Though it apparently comes with a gamer-friendly control box, which seems kind of fun? Still, there's nothing "natural" about this hard, plastic plug.
Lube Shooters aka Lube Launchers aka Lube Delivery Device
This is a kind of rounded syringe that can be used to propel lube into your lover's anus. While we could see the benefit of this in, say, a naughty nurse role playing scene, as a functional toy it seems completely unnecessary. They're called fingers, my friends. Also, "lube shooters" sounds a little too much like the theme of a fraternity networking mixer. Best product quote: "The wide array of colors available also lends itself to color-coding." And looks great with the mid-century Dutch armoire! The best thing about this though? There's a how-to video!
Sexflesh Rosebud Anal Stroker
This is not, contrary to our delight, a screwable, fleshlike butt with a rose coming out of it. It's a prolapsed anus and we're sorry we ever Googled that. Don't do it, Mom. Best product quote: "This stroker lets you experience the look and feel of an anus that has been totally wrecked."
Gerbil Flex Stimulator
Apparently, the urban legend involving Richard Gere's fondness for "gerbiling" is alive and well! This California Exotic Novelties toy (only eight left in stock on Amazon!) allows you to simulate the experience of having a rodent in your rectum. Hamster, guinea pig, and prairie vole vibrators are pending, we're pretty sure. Best (totally earnest) product review: "This toy has an interesting design but does not deliver."