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Tuesday, July 3, 2012

The Spider-Man Films Rated by Whininess

Posted By on Tue, Jul 3, 2012 at 7:30 AM

click to enlarge DAN CENTURY

According to Spider-Man movies, the greatest triumph that Spider-Man ever achieves is finding it within himself to arachnid up every day. Has any other hero ever moped so much about being gifted with superstrength, -agility, and -love interests? This from a guy who can swing on his wrists' magic ejaculate (Spider-Man one through three), invent web-shooters using his super-brain (The Amazing Spider-Man), and design and tailor so adroitly that his sticky-finger powers somehow work through the gloves of his homemade luge suit (all Spider-Mans ever, including The Electric Company)?

Here's how the new Spider-Man compares in whininess to his predecessor.

Spider-Man (2002):

Whininess Level: elevated

"No matter what I do, no matter how hard I try, the ones I love will always be the ones who pay," Spider-Man moans just before spurning a proclamation of love from the woman he has pined for his entire life.

Spidey Would Prefer to Be: a professional wrestler

Worth Noting: Stan Lee and Bruce Campbell cameos would become a series hallmark, but after this, the producers forgot Macy Gray.

Spider-Man 2 (2004):

Whininess Level: peak human

Inexplicably clumsy, Spider-Man loses a fight with a broom closet in the opening reel. Later, he spurns another loved one -- this time, a handshake with his dead uncle in a car in heaven. Then, after not bothering to save a civilian being beaten by thugs, Peter woos the now-engaged love interest he rejected last time by announcing, "Punch me, I bleed."

Spidey Would Prefer to Be: a pizza boy

Worth Noting: Even when he deigns to be Spider-Man, his mask comes off with the frequency of Paz de la Huerta's top.

Spider-Man 3 (2007):

Whininess Level: could create new, superpowered villains upon exposure

Spidey Would Prefer to Be: in Swing Kids

Worth Noting: Nothing. This film does not exist.

The Amazing Spider-Man (Today):

Whininess Level: moderate

Other than one emo howl, the lithe new Spider-Man understands that with great power comes the chance to pull off badass skateboard tricks. At one point, he's so happy he skips.

Spidey Would Prefer to Be: Spidey! Good for him.

Worth Noting: For the first time, the construction workers in a Spider-Man movie do not appear to be borrowed from a dinner theater musical. Also, this series might be propagandistic advocacy for a Manhattan-wide ban on experiments with human test subjects.

Read our review of The Amazing Spider-Man

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Alan Scherstuhl


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