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Tuesday, February 14, 2012

Five Quick and Easy Ways to Make Valentine's Day Suck Less

Posted By on Tue, Feb 14, 2012 at 12:00 PM


On a "holiday" intended to celebrate lovers, even relatively happy and well-adjusted single people can't help but feel a little left out.

Here's a quick and easy checklist of five ways you can make the VD suck less.

5. Masturbate. Because really, when doesn't that help?

4. Have you ever been eating a sandwich at a restaurant when suddenly you felt the tug of something like floss between your teeth, and you realized there was a hair in your mouth? And it would be slightly better if you were at home and you knew it was your hair, but instead you are in public, chewing on someone else's? And it's lunch hour and the restaurant is busy, and short of sticking out your tongue and combing it with your fingertips or spitting out globs of wet bread and meat on your plate and grossing out everyone around you, there's really nothing you can do about it? You just have to resign yourself to it with dignity: "I am going to eat this hair now." Basically, treat Valentine's Day like you're eating a hairy sandwich.

3. There's a reason those candy conversation hearts taste like chalk:

click to enlarge sidewalk_xoxo.jpg
I used them to decorate the stairs outside of my apartment.

Or, if you're not feeling the love today:

click to enlarge sidewalk_fuck.jpg

2. After my most recent breakup, I couldn't watch anything on television that was in any way romantic, or really anything that displayed humans behaving toward each other with kindness or compassion, or I would start crying hysterically until I threw up. The one thing I could watch: Law and Order: SVU, which confirmed my belief that the world was indeed the terrible place I believed it to be. And now there are SVU valentines. Thank you, universe. You get me.

click to enlarge svu_valentines.jpg

1. To remind yourself why the single life can be awesome, this evening do the following: wear nothing but a lint-covered sweatshirt and underwear; eat pizza in bed; fart audibly and with impunity; go to the bathroom with the door open; take up the whole fucking bed and hog all of the covers. Just because you're alone doesn't mean you can't love yourself once in awhile.

-- Follow Angela Lutz on Twitter at @amlutz, SF Weekly's Exhibitionist blog at @ExhibitionistSF and like us on Facebook.
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Angela Lutz


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