"We've been attracted to each other for a long time," said the naked man next to me. Hmm. Me, not so much. I had not been physically attracted to him in the slightest. But even the bedroom requires tact from time to time. I merely smiled.
But that's certainly not the end of it. I did end up in bed with him. It's not that I found him repulsive initially. Rather, it was that most of my life, I have been an avid appreciator of male beauty. One could even say I was connoisseur, often choosing men that had just come off the runway. (It is important to note that in these cases, I was by far the less beautiful one.) Oh how those broad chests and roped arms, tall frames and pretty faces could make me swoon -- I wanted them so.
And the naked man mentioned above, though in possession of delightfully muscular thighs, was decidedly not beautiful.
So why was I suddenly finding him delicious? Because I have learned something very important now that my hair is more gray than auburn. Beauty does not necessarily a great orgasm make.
To gaze and to gaze, but to touch? Perfect abs are visually pleasing but up close and personal, they can be rather -- well, hard. And there is only one thing on a man, when you get right down to it, that really needs to be hard.
Beauty, of course, attracts. It can inspire salivation and immediate arousal. But actual desire -- the the kind that erupts while in close proximity to nakedness -- can do without it. What is required instead is that most delicious of things -- sensuality. Chiseled features this naked man lacked, but he made up for it in attentiveness, massages, sensitivity, an eager tongue, deft hands, and a particular charm that was all his own. So it is, in short, more important to feel good than to look good.
I am not the only one who has discovered this wisdom.
Corine Couwenberg used to have a boyfriend who had a face like a foot. She believes they call this condition "sexy ugly." I have been a lucky girl indeed to be able to explore the delights of beautiful men, but despite the one who was quite the accomplished kisser, most of the beautiful ones sadly proved Kammi Grosenick right.
"Attraction can be much more to do with being sensual and passionate, and that usually, to me, includes all the senses, sight being not very important," she says. "And charisma can escape even the most attractive of people, as they can also be without passion and seem to think that simply looking at them or being in their presence is stimulating enough."
It would be far too simplistic to make the statement that a certain lack of physical hotness makes for a better lover. However, leading with the instincts of the body and not the delight of the eyes can increase the chances of finding a lover who truly knocks your socks off. As Lisa Rouselle says, "Sexual attraction can really come from a person's confidence and sensual nature, and they for sure do not always come with societal beauty marks."
Say it sister!
And speaking of sisters, these are all quotes from women, and we have been known to have a reputation for not caring as much about visual stimulation as men are said to care. It is perhaps one of the reasons why pornography traditionally has appealed to women less frequently -- especially those close-up shots.
Many a scientist and bar regular will insist that men are more aroused by looking than are women. However, a young Frenchman I spoke to recently told me the story of his affair with a 48-year-old, slightly obese woman.She was Czech, she smoked, smelled of gin, and actually worked in a circus. According to Antoine, though, sex with this woman was transcendent, erotic, and some of the best of his life. He still remembers her fondly.
In the interest of it being an exciting new year, I wish for us all to revel in our cellulite, our wrinkles, our non-symmetrical faces, and less-than-perfect measurements. Let's go and rock someone's world with our flawed but unique charms.
The Sweet Spot is a blog column about alternative sexuality by Ginger Murray who is also the editor of Whore! magazine. Check back next week for more.