Your Crap Archivist brings you the finest in forgotten and bewildering crap culled from Golden State thrift stores, estate sales, and flea markets.
Author: Naura Hayden
Publisher: Bibli O'Phile Publishing. Seriously.
Discovered at: Community Thrift, 623 Valencia
The Cover Promises: "It Really Works!", "The First and Only Book That Tells You Exactly How", and that, once satisfied, women will "beg for more," which is the opposite of what people do when satisfied.
"They teach how to read and write and add and subtract and spell. You learn the capital of every state and where Afghanistan is located, but you sure don't learn how to make love. As I see it, making love is a lot more important than knowing how to conjugate a verb or parse a sentence." (page 21)
Deep into this chatty, repetitious guide to how men should learn to conjugate ladies rather than verbs, self-published advice author and protein-shake entrepreneur Naura Hayden writes the one sentence that I think all people can agree should never appear in a how-to book about lovemaking:
"I never met Hubert Humphrey, but he was a good friend of someone very close to me, who tells of Hubie's great love and devotion and pride in his wife, Muriel."My sensitive tummy is thankful that Hayden doesn't follow this up with dish about the sexual technique of Lyndon Johnson's vice president, but that would certainly have been more relevant than what she actually does write next:
"He invited my friend to Minneapolis many times to have dinner so that Muriel could make her famous vegetable soup. 'Muriel makes the best vegetable soup in America,' he said, so many times that even if she didn't, everyone was convinced that she could out-cook L'Escoffier."Once I worked out that Muriel was Humphrey's wife rather than Hayden's friend, I understood: The way to satisfy a woman is to invite other women over to enjoy her cooking.
As silly as it gets, Hayden's book does offer three serious bedroom suggestions that might have been necessary back in 1982. Combined, these take up about three of her 132 pages.
She pads out the rest with interviews with women who claim to have faked orgasms for decades; with several recountings of her own story of having often playacted satisfaction during sex ("I was Bernhardt, Duse, Bette Davis, Faye Dunaway, and Sissy Spacek all rolled up in one"); and with quotes from unrealistic sex scenes from Penthouse and Joyce Carol Oates, which Hayden seems to consider pretty much the same thing.
Her actual advice:
1. Men should display greater patience and tenderness while making love.
"He's doing his BIG BANG number. In and out, in and out -- Bang Bang. He doesn't realize it doesn't feel good to her. It doesn't always hurt at first, but it sure doesn't feel terrific."Naming his ego-driven sexual technique after the event that birthed existence itself is not a strong rhetorical maneuver. Still, her suggestion has some sense in it.
She recommends foreplay and teasing before what she calls "The Main Event." And, typically, she confuses things quite a bit the longer she discusses them:
"If you men would try this experiment, you'd understand exactly what it feels like. Put your left arm out and with your right fist hit your left arm for about thirty seconds (the longer you do it the more it hurts.) I did this on several TV shows to show the male hosts what 'banging' feels like, and they were all amazed."Of course they were amazed. Her idea of sex is half a minute of arm punching! Next time your kids start playing Slug Bug in the back seat, stop them cold!
2. Men should build anticipations by teasing before that Main Event. To her credit, she gets nuts-and-bolts specific:
"Now you are aroused. Your penis is aroused. And she is aroused.Besides her all-caps evocation of the sign that welcomed Dante to Hell, and her presumption that all women would like this every single time, Hayden is at least offering practical advice that could improve the sex lives of non-communicative couples.
DO NOT ENTER HER.
Take your penis in your hand and gently rub her clitoris with it."
But, being Hayden, she almost immediately follows up this sound idea with an iffy one:
"Now if you want to try something that is sexually incredible, but incredibly difficult to do, get to the point you're at now -- the point where you're both seconds away from an orgasm -- and stop. Just stop cold. And resume several hours later, or the next morning."Has she read the title of her book? ABANDON HOPE ALL YE WHO ENTER HERE!
3. Eventually, things get depressing. A chapter titled "What to Do if Your Man Won't Even Try (For Women Only!) opens with all the reasons a husband might not take Hayden's advice: "he doesn't read books, he doesn't read sex books, he already knows how to make love, he knows some women fake it but you sure don't, etc."
Hayden's suggestion for women stuck with such a lug --"a real BIG BANG artist" -- is simple, although they have to wade fourteen more pages of quotes from orgasm fakers before Hayden divulges it:
"Just squeeze your thighs, which will clamp around his hips and keep his body from ramming your body, and slow him down. Slowly, as he finds out he can't 'bang' you because you won't allow it, he'll start to ease up his attack because he really can't do anything else."At no point does Hayden suggest that two lovers should actually talk to each other about what they like. Instead, she endorses a silent struggle of muscles against muscle, of entry and refusal, assault and repulsion, the marriage bed as the scene of a siege. Her book is something like the sex she describes: It seems at the start like it could be great fun, but then it just hurts.
"All healthy people have healthy sex drives. It makes no difference if you're a priest, nun, schoolteacher, postman, race-car driver, movie star, astronaut, or attorney. If you're healthy, it's there."
I can't think of a book with a better about-the-author page than this. Hayden's announces that she has starred in TV shows with "Don Rickles, George Kennedy, and many others"; that she wrote a book called ISLE OF VIEW (Say It Out Loud); that her poodle is named Seymour, her turtle is named Ozwald, and her cats are Nathan, Sidney, and Maggie; that she is "beautiful and bursting with energy"; and that she is "5'8" and 135 lb."
The best bit:
Here's the rest of that page:
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