A lot of us believe that the wealthiest .01 percent of people are conducting class warfare on the human species. Have you noticed that ass warfare (keeping us all worried about our weight) is a big part of their world-domination plan? Let me demonstrate: In the United States, Americans spent $60.9 billion last year on weight-loss products that obviously did not produce on their promise, according to Marketdata Enterprises. To put that expenditure and return-on-investment into perspective, let's look at some other cost-estimate data we collected from around the Internet. Last year students of public colleges and universities paid $50 billion in tuition collectively. Extending the Bush tax cuts on personal incomes greater than $250,000 cost an estimated $60 billion in tax revenue. That same amount is what everyone on the planet spent on organic food and drink last year. At its peak in 2009, the global arms market was just a bit more, at $65 billion. With the money we wasted on weight-loss products, we could have bought a new iPhone 4S for everyone in America (except Virginians).
Keeping with the idea suggested in this spending figure -- that society believes fat people don't deserve to live unless they magically become thin -- I've found some innovations in a 1990 Soviet medical text. I don't speak Russian, and I'm not a health care professional, but these diagrams show promise for the anti-"obesity" industry.
The Body Spigot
Here's a simple, surgically implanted spigot that drains food from the patient's stomach as they eat.
Mouth-to-Mouth Food Extraction
Alternatively, low-wage medical technicians could suction food from patients' digestive systems with a modicum of training.
The Fat Crow Bar
I don't know why our medical professionals haven't thought of this obvious one yet, but here's a Russian diagram of a healer using a simple crow bar (available at any hardware store) to pry fat off a patient's body.
The Gonad Valve
American researchers have also seemed to overlook the useful anatomical feature that allows a weight-loss doctor simply to scoop abdominal fat out of the patient's body via the gonads.
Suspend 'n' Hurl
The Soviets also seem to have perfected removing food from patients' digestive tracts by means of an easily improvised swing.
The Lego Diet
We should also explore the nutritional possibilities when patients subsist on a diet of nothing but oversized Legos.