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Friday, September 23, 2011

Stuff We Don't Miss From the '80s: Bruce Willis, Singer

Posted By on Fri, Sep 23, 2011 at 11:00 AM

click to enlarge sc_12_brucewillisbruno.jpg

It's a testament to how much goodwill Bruce Willis earned from Die Hard in 1988 that we've largely forgotten how much pain he caused us before that. Let's remember it together!

In 1986, Willis's hit comedy-drama-whatsit Moonlighting did a spoof of Shakespeare's "The Taming of the Shrew" in which he performs "Good Lovin'" at a bound-and-gagged Cybill Shepherd, because that's funny on paper.

He became a singing spokesman in Seagram's Golden Wine Cooler commercials in 1987, revealing an insufferable doucheyness his Moonlighting character only hinted at.

In fairness, he didn't sing in all the commercials. Sometimes he was just douchey.

But Bruce Willis was not yet finished kicking music in the balls.

According to AllMusic, Motown approached Bruce Willis to record an album. One can only assume head Motown cheese Berry Gordon was desperate, since The Last Dragon hadn't been the big hit he needed -- and thus was unleashed the 1987 album and HBO special The Return of Bruno.

"Respect Yourself" was something of a hit, and the video continued Willis's penchant for singing into phallic objects.

The HBO special was an unfunny, sub-Spinal Tap hagiographic mockumentary in which musicians who love money talk about how Bruce's alter-ego "Bruno" influenced the course of rock history and blah blah blah. It's bad.

It goes on like that, with Bruce karaoke-ing his way through rock history -- a history in which the psychedelic era begins after Woodstock. I don't even know why that pisses me off so much.

Even poor, innocent Michael J. Fox gets dragged into it.

This could all happen again if we're not vigilant. Never forget, folks!

For now, we'll let Bruce play us out by singing one for his favorite long-dead distillery magnate.

Sherilyn Connelly is a San Francisco-based writer. She also curates and hosts Bad Movie Night at The Dark Room, every Sunday at 8pm.

Follow us on Twitter at @ExhibitionistSF (follow Sherilyn Connelly on Twitter at @sherilyn) and like us on Facebook.
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Sherilyn Connelly

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