Each Friday, your Crap Archivist brings you the finest in forgotten and bewildering crap culled from Golden State thrift stores, estate sales, and flea markets.
The Adventures of Kool-Aid Man
Questions This Cover Raises:
Kool-Aid Man has long been the exemplar of the most special breed of advertising characters: the kind who invite consumers to feast on their own guts. (See also Charlie Tuna, Twinkie the Kid, Mayor McCheese, and Jesus.)
What sets Kool-Aid Man apart is his habit of inviting us to drink of his flesh only after he has racked up some serious property damage.
Maybe they can sell Kool-Aid at the bake sale they hold to fund a new ballpark.
Here we see Kool-Aid Man's headquarters, which seem to have been designed by the architectural firm of Short & Stout:
Yes, Kool-Aid Man has a chopper. Notice that he pilots it one-handed, as at all times he lugs about a pitcher full of himself.
Throughout this godawful comic, Kool-Aid Man battles the Thirsties, fiery yellow villains who for some reason enjoy nothing more than temporarily parching children -- a condition relievable only by beverage access. Here, Kool-Aid Man larks off into outer space to quench the thirst of kids trapped by Thirsties on an interstellar vessel.
Immediately afterward, Kool-Aid Man's sugary innards -- exposed to temperatures only three degrees above absolute zero -- are heated to a boil. They then freeze, crystallize, and spill forth into the cosmos in a crimson (and diabetic) hailstorm.
Next: The Apocalypse, as drawn by an Archie artist