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Friday, July 22, 2011

Four Comic Books No Kids Would Ever Want, Including "Kool-Aid Man in Space" and "Archie's Holocaust"

Posted By on Fri, Jul 22, 2011 at 8:08 AM

click to enlarge studies_in_crap_comics_kool_cover.jpg

Each Friday, your Crap Archivist brings you the finest in forgotten and bewildering crap culled from Golden State thrift stores, estate sales, and flea markets.

The Adventures of Kool-Aid Man

Date: 1983

Publisher: Marvel

Questions This Cover Raises:

  • In space, can anybody hear you say "Oh, Yeah"?

  • When outfitting themselves for space travel, should kids choose jeans and short-sleeve turtlenecks?

  • When attempting to save the lives of children held hostage on a spaceship, is it sensible to burst through that ship's hull, thereby leaching away all oxygen, exposing everyone to ultraviolet radiation and explosive decompression, and consigning those children to a blue and bloated death afloat in the the cold vacuum of creation?

Kool-Aid Man has long been the exemplar of the most special breed of advertising characters: the kind who invite consumers to feast on their own guts. (See also Charlie Tuna, Twinkie the Kid, Mayor McCheese, and Jesus.)

What sets Kool-Aid Man apart is his habit of inviting us to drink of his flesh only after he has racked up some serious property damage.

click to enlarge studies_in_crap_comics_kool_property_damage.jpg

Maybe they can sell Kool-Aid at the bake sale they hold to fund a new ballpark.

Here we see Kool-Aid Man's headquarters, which seem to have been designed by the architectural firm of Short & Stout:

click to enlarge studies_in_crap_comics_kool_kopter.jpg

Yes, Kool-Aid Man has a chopper. Notice that he pilots it one-handed, as at all times he lugs about a pitcher full of himself.

Throughout this godawful comic, Kool-Aid Man battles the Thirsties, fiery yellow villains who for some reason enjoy nothing more than temporarily parching children -- a condition relievable only by beverage access. Here, Kool-Aid Man larks off into outer space to quench the thirst of kids trapped by Thirsties on an interstellar vessel.

click to enlarge studies_in_crap_comics_kool_jetpack.jpg

Immediately afterward, Kool-Aid Man's sugary innards -- exposed to temperatures only three degrees above absolute zero -- are heated to a boil. They then freeze, crystallize, and spill forth into the cosmos in a crimson (and diabetic) hailstorm.

Next: The Apocalypse, as drawn by an Archie artist

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Alan Scherstuhl

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