Each Friday, your Crap Archivist brings you the finest in forgotten and bewildering crap culled from Golden State basements, thrift stores, estate sales, and flea markets.
Computer Sex Input
Author: Deena Cross
Date: None listed, but it looks like the eighties-est day of the eighties-est year of the eighties-est '80s. Or Brooklyn today.
Publisher: TWN, Cleveland
Discovered at: Goodwill, San Jose
The Cover Promises: The most efficient technology for the distribution of computer-related sex is the book.
As all the posters in my elementary school insisted, open a book and the world is yours! Here's what I took from Deena Cross' Computer Sex Input on the subject of computers, those then-newfangled machines that set my district back thousands of dollars so we could learn BASIC and pretend to run lemonade stands:
Computer salespeople drag computers about on handcarts.
Getting hired as a computer salesperson involves surrendering your virginity.
When a computer salesperson says, "Let me show you my product," it is not unusual to hear the response, "Lady, I can see your products, and I like them."
And that's it. In fact, the word "computer" first turns up on page 50. (Computer Sex Input is only 154 pages.)
The world opened by the remainder of the book is the world of the flesh: the most throbbing, swelling, bursting, cup-runneth-overing flesh since the Corset Ball at Jabba's Palace. It's the world of "input," which we come to find out can also mean "put in."
Here's the table of contents:
And here's some by-the-page highlights. A warning: Things get so juicy you might want to lay down some newspaper before proceeding.
Pages 8 - 20: Intrigued by his offer to "look at the skyline," virginal Tat heads to the apartment of Ralph, a "handsome Brit" she just met at a coffee shop. There, they engage in mutual masturbation, with Ralph acting as a teacher: Tat says things such as
"You can't. You are too big. I never had a man before but I know your thing is too big."
Some Memorable Phrasing:
"long ropes of lumpy goo"
"the last drop of slime from her young tissues"
Pages 22 - 27:
Back at her parents' house, Tat studies her naked body and thinks about her encounter with Ralph. She masturbates.
"a fairly large puddle of creamy goo"
"Her right hand was wet clear up to the wrist."
Pages 28 - 39:
Neither spent nor sated, Tat figures she has time to masturbate once more before her parents return home. Tat's kitten pulls the drapes open, revealing her to a hunk of a neighbor who had come by hoping to borrow some tools. He sneaks into the house, slips off his cutoffs, and masturbates.
Tat's response: "Gosh, Jerry. You took off your clothes. What are you doing?" Together, they make a giant puddle.
"They made a giant puddle."
"Oh, my hole. It feels so good to stick fingers in my hole."
"There was an audible plop sound."
Pages 40 - 46:
A couple of minutes later, British Ralph invites Tat to a movie. She accepts, on the condition that he feed her because "I get real hungry when I do it a lot." Then, inexplicably, they go to a ballet, after which they enjoy the usual masturbatory encounter -- Tat's fourth that day. This section includes the book's most surprising sentence:
"The ballet Ralph had tickets for was mundane and they both became bored by the second act."
"The kiss was a warm, passionate exchange of breaths and lips and tongues."
"Tat's orgasm was the result of being impaled on Ralph's finger."
Pages 50 - 62:
Tat applies for a job selling "desk top" computers! During her interview, she recounts all of the incidents in the book up to this point. The response of Jack, the proprietor, is predictable: "The only discernible movement was the slight rise in the front of his pants." Then, in the book's most thorough metaphor, he at last relieves Tat of her virginity:
"Jack was transformed from the gentle man into something like the needle of a sewing machine. He planted stitches, as it were, in Tat."
"He tended to the exquisite little vagina in front of him as if it were part of himself."
"Her juices were thick and thin, the sign of deep functions within her body."
Pages 66 - 77:
Now a computer salesperson, Tat drinks with her boss to celebrate her remarkable success moving product. The inevitable occurs. The ensuing sex scene contains a prescient joke about our zeal for ever-shrinking technology:
"This one was smaller than the others, but it had a 'certain something' that made it more desirable than the others."
"She could tell by Jack's posture and muscle flexing that she was doing him good."
Pages 78 - 82:
Tipsy after cocktails, Tat talks to herself at her parents' house, revealing author Deena Cross' shaky grasp of English idiom: "'I think you're stoned. I think you've greased your elbow a little too much and now I don't want to talk to you until you start to make sense again.'" She takes a shower, senses "an alertness in her nipples," and blah blah blah.
"Her blood was loaded with female hormones, and she was simply obeying nature's command to come, come, come."
Pages 86 - 93:
Tat sells a businessman four computers. Demonstrating how they will save him money, she asks "Would you like to try your hand at it?"
He would, and he does.
This results in the requisite puddles and plopping sounds as well as the businessman announcing, "'Oh, well, the butler can clean up the mess.'"
The Rest of the Book:
The same day she also makes sales - and juicy love - to the proprietor of an adult theater ("The movie had been forgotten so involved were they with one another"), a restaurateur ("'We have a special software program set up for people in the food service industry'"), and the owner of a beauty shop ("Tat's hand rested over long sausage like thing").
She then has sex with her boss. And 20 pages later, he asks her to move in with him. There's a lesson for all of us in the book's penultimate paragraph:
"The only things that changed were the living arrangements and Tat's new approach to selling. She began to rely on the merits of the computers and sold them with no sense of obligation to show her gratitude to the buyers."
What a difference a couple of decades make! Apparently, there was a time when you could buy a new PC without getting fucked!
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