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Friday, April 8, 2011

"When Was the Last Time I Made Passionate Love to my Wife?" and Other Sad "Inspirational" Questions for Husbands

Posted By on Fri, Apr 8, 2011 at 8:55 AM

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Each Friday, your Crap Archivist brings you the finest in forgotten and bewildering crap culled from Golden State basements, thrift stores, estate sales, and flea markets.

Especially for Husbands: When Was the Last Time . . .

Author: Michael A. Campion, PhD; photos by Wilmer Zehr

Date: 1978

Publisher: Bethany Fellowship Press, Minneapolis

Discovered at: Salvation Army, Salinas

Representative Quotes:

"When was the last time . . . I ate dinner with my family?"

"When was the last time . . . I made passionate love to my wife?"

"When was the last time . . . I remembered my wife's birthday and anniversary?"

"Let's be real men and take loving, positive authority over our families," writes Michael A. Campion in his daft inspirational "self-improvement plan" Especially for Husbands, a book that assumes American men have been so blithe for so long that it would take serious contemplation for them to recall the last time they even remembered a birthday or an anniversary.

Campion doesn't push the matter to, say, "purchase a gift for her birthday" or "remember an anniversary on the day of that anniversary." Instead, he's immediately on to his next question for husbands: "When was the last time . . . I fixed a meal?"

Or, "When was the last time . . . I listened?"

Or this. "When was the last time . . .

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First, yes, that is the actual photo that accompanies this question. And, second, obviously, the last time you told your wife this was in the throes of that passionate lovemaking.

That's about all the book has to offer. Page after page of tragic "When was the last time?" questions accompanied by photos that stand as chilling reminders of Carter-era malaise.

"When was the last time . . .

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Wait, that kid has never seen that man before, has he?

"When was the last time . . .

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This does imply that the moments when a husband accepts his wife are the rare exception, right?

Here's one where the man seems truly to be seizing some of that loving authority.

"When was the last time . . .

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See, I would have thought a man should share something like that when she's in a position to talk.

Speaking of women down on their knees: "When was the last time . . .

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"As the haloed authority figure in this house, I demand that you assume your shadowed and supplicant conversation position."

"When was the last time . . .

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The best test of whether a kiss is pure or not: just how big an appliance can you squeeze between the kissers?

"When was the last time . . .

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Hey, $20 is just enough for your wife to bribe a jewelry-counter employee for a chance to touch some nice things for once.

"When was the last time . . .

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Seriously, I think this author Campion is making a joke about woman drivers. Also, he seems to believe men once possessed the unsettling ability to vomit history.

And, finally, "When was the last time . . .

click to enlarge sicespfoparentshugandkiss062.jpg

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Only their child psychologist knows for sure! Also, the lack of major appliances in this shot tells us that this kiss has sex as its object.

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Alan Scherstuhl


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